This month's challenge includes identifying people you really admire in the world.
There's something beautiful about admiring something wonderful in another.
We'd love to hear who inspires you! Share yours (and take in others') in the comments below!
]]>I carry a compass around in my pocket to remind me that I’m not just going… I’m going in a direction. And that if it’s not the RIGHT direction, then there’s no point in going. Or if I’m going aimlessly. If I’ve just forgotten that life is always moving forward. If I’ve taken my hands off the wheel. And that the RIGHT direction is defined by me, who I am, my values, and my world view. And that life will always be chugging along, moving forward, regardless of if I’m at the steering wheel or not.
How do we know which path is the right one? We all have paths in this life. There are more than one. When those paths are good for us and when they’re bad, we can feel it. Those are clues that we can tap into. In those moments, we should ask ourselves: Why am I feeling this way? Why am I having this reaction? What about my world view or my values is causing this?
I’ve asked myself this a lot lately. It could discourage me, or it could be the catalyst to learning more about myself and shaping a path that’s more in line with my values. And that’s what matters most.
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Going on real-life adventures – mountain climbing, skydiving, ziplining – can be a blast, but it can also be pretty terrifying. And rightfully so! But it can also unlock the unforeseen value that impacts your day-to-day life. Let me explain.
I wouldn’t characterize myself as the adventurous type, but I don’t let that stop me from going on adventures. Once you’re on that adventure – when you’re in that plane or on that zipline podium – a different sort of feeling rushes over you. It’s this combination of excitement and panic (which I admit doesn’t sound pleasant, but bear with me). Then you jump… or fall… or whatever, and an altogether new feeling comes over you – pure joy. All-of-a-sudden, you’re happy you did it. If you stop and take note of your body, you realize you have a huge smile on your face. Maybe you’re even screaming with joy.
And that’s exactly how it went for me just a few weeks ago when I ziplined through the forest in Kohala, Hawai’i. A babbling stream beneath me, the Pacific Ocean in the background, and trees all around, these 8 ziplines were fun and beautiful and exhilarating and serene all at once.
But ultimately, that’s not why I do it. I do it because I know there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to do it. There’s a part that says, “Are you crazy? Why would you risk your life like that?” But that risk is a paper tiger. And going out onto that podium and stepping off the ledge is a reminder that I control my paper tigers, they don’t control me.
Not just right then-in-there, in the forest, but when I get back home and I’m going about my daily life. It reminds me that I can feel that fear one feels when standing on a zipline podium and I can decide to step off anyway. That podium becomes a metaphor that I can point to for proof that the decision is in my hands. That I live with my fears, I see and appreciate them, but I keep them in their place. That I’m in charge.
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All too often in life, we find ourselves waiting. As soon as we graduate college. That next job. When we have enough money saved up. When the kids are a little older. Once we get there, we can start our life again. We’re so close. Just a little bit further. I’m definitely just as guilty of this as the next person.
That waiting. If we’re not careful, we might just let most of our life go by.
Do you know what the difference is between that waiting and loving the journey? How one looks different than the other? They don’t.
That’s the simplicity of it. Loving the journey is a mindset. It’s an opportunity to say YES along the way. To stop waiting and start living. Both big and small, but especially the small. To find little joy in your daily life.
Loving the journey is appreciating the journey. It won’t be easy at first, because it’s change and change is hard. You’ll have to constantly remind yourself and re-commit. But eventually, it will become muscle memory.
]]>Forgiveness is a complex and multifaceted concept that has been studied extensively in the fields of psychology, sociology, and theology. Forgiveness involves a willingness to let go of negative feelings such as anger, resentment, and vengeance towards a person who has wronged us. When we forgive, we are not condoning the behavior that hurt us but rather releasing ourselves from the emotional burden that comes with holding a grudge. Forgiveness has been shown to have a significant positive impact on our happiness and well-being.
Research has demonstrated that forgiveness is associated with a range of positive outcomes, including improved mental health, lower levels of stress and anxiety, and enhanced social relationships. A study conducted by Toussaint, Worthington, and Williams (2015) found that individuals who practiced forgiveness experienced less psychological distress and had greater life satisfaction than those who did not. Similarly, a study by Lin, Mack, Enright, and Krahn (2015) showed that forgiveness was associated with a greater sense of well-being and lower levels of depression.
What can forgiveness look like? Sarah was a victim of a hit and run accident that left her paralyzed from the waist down. For years, she harbored feelings of anger and resentment towards the driver who hit her until she decided to forgive him. Sarah contacted the driver and met with him in person, where she forgave him for his actions. Sarah reported feeling a sense of relief and freedom after forgiving the driver and was able to move on with her life.
John was a man who had struggled with alcohol addiction for many years. His addiction had caused him to behave in ways that hurt his family, including his wife and children. After seeking help and getting sober, John reached out to his family to apologize for his past behavior and ask for their forgiveness. His family was initially skeptical but eventually forgave him, and they were able to rebuild their relationships and find joy and happiness in each other's company once again.
In conclusion, forgiveness can have a significant positive impact on our happiness and well-being. It can lead to improved mental health, lower levels of stress and anxiety, and enhanced social relationships. The stories of Sarah and John illustrate how forgiveness can be transformative and bring healing to our lives.
References:
Have you ever had a bad boss? I have. And after months of suffering under him, it was one simple piece of advice that allowed me to stop living as a victim and to start forgiving him and moving on.
Let’s call him “Jack,” even though that wasn’t his name. For Jack, micro-manager was an understatement. His emotions were constantly out of control, overreacting to everything. Jack managed through fear. He berated me, demoted me, and threatened to fire me. He used our weekly one-on-one meetings to ridicule me. It was scheduled for 30 minutes, but often went 60 or 90 because he had so much to say on the topic. One time, it went so long he had me schedule a follow-up later in the day so it could keep going. And it did.
And it wasn’t just me. Jack treated most people this way. I know because he would do it to them openly in front of others. Needless to say, Jack sucked all the fun out of the room, replacing it instead with fear and defensiveness. The team’s productivity tanked, and eventually everyone had both eyes on the exit.
It’s one of those situations that leaves you feeling lost. This person holds the keys to your livelihood. You feel trapped – like you have no power to change or fix the situation. You have two options: you can either put up with it or go get a new job, and neither option feels very good.
Well, fortunately for me and my team, the impact Jack was having became pretty clear to upper management, and Jack was let go 6 months after his hiring.
During this period, I often talked through my situation and Jack’s behavior with others, to get another perspective and for a sanity check. I talked about it with my friend Steph, who also happened to be a leader in HR, performance management, and leadership coaching. While she didn’t condone the behavior, she said something that helped me reframe Jack and the whole situation. It opened the door to my forgiveness of Jack. So what did she say? She reminded me to “remember, he thinks he’s doing his best.”
That phrase flipped a switch in my brain. I went from anger, frustration, and fear, to sympathy. All of a sudden, I felt bad that he was so in over his head and unable to accomplish as a leader what he was trying to accomplish. All of a sudden, instead of wanting him punished, I wanted to see him get better.
Oftentimes people aren’t trying to offend. Oftentimes, the offense is a result of the offender simply having a different approach to things than the victim, and these two worlds collide, and the victim finds their own worldview and way-of-life under attack, their internal rule set violated. That doesn’t mean the offender is off the hook. It’s still an offense, afterall. But it also doesn’t mean it can’t be forgiven by the victim, just like any offense can. It still deserves forgiveness. Not for the benefit of the offender, but for the benefit of the victim.
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by Dr. Spencer Johnson
Summarized and Reviewed by Chris Wilcock
In a brief parable, flanked by a recounted story of a reunion, and discussion of the main story, Dr. Spencer Johnson holds a mirror up to the reader and allows us to reflect on four different elements of ourselves: Two mice "Sniff" who quickly identifies change and "Scurry" who jumps into action, and the "littlepeople" who "Hem" and "Haw" while they deny and resist change, then eventually adapt to capture even greater rewards. The parable relates to the constant of change and how we react to it by channeling one of these 4 emotions. Oftentimes simpler is better in times of chaos, which can lead to better outcomes for "Sniff" and "Scurry."
In a brief parable, four characters, each representing different facets of our reactions to change (two simple and two complex) live out their experiences in a giant maze seeking a reward of cheese. One day, the cheese is no longer where it's expected to be (despite its gradual decline in quantity over time that went un-noticed to two of the characters). The cheese is unique to each person however. For some it's literally cheese, but for the two more complex characters, it represents a happy, steady life, or the prospects of an important high-paying job.
The mice quickly adapt after they notice the cheese supply reducing and they go searching for new cheese while the littlepeople eventually realize there is no cheese and are paralyzed by fear and reluctant to go into the maze to search for more cheese. Eventually, one of the littlepeople "Haw" decides to take the risk, and after much trial and error, finds a new stockpile of cheese where he's reunited with "Sniff" and "Scurry" who have been enjoying the new cheese. Some key lessons emerge:
This book is very entertaining & clever.
It's a short read that's well written and helps identify different facets of your character. It leads to a lot of reflection on how you react to change and how to simplify a problem.
The story is told as a parable about four mice in a maze who are rewarded with cheese. One day, the cheese is moved. How will each of the mice react to this problem? | |||
The cheese can represent happiness, a steady life, or prospects of an important, high-paying job. Each mouse represents the various ways humans act in the face of change. Which mouse are you? | |||
The more important your "cheese" is to you, the more you want to hold onto it. | |||
Anticipate change; take notice of change in your environment. It's inevitable that change happens. It's how you react to it is that's important. | |||
If you don't change, you can become extinct. You must adapt to change quickly. | |||
We're all afraid of change, but we need to embrace it. How would you act if you WEREN'T afraid? | |||
Enjoy change. Take risks and accept failure and danger as part of growth. Savor the adventure! |
"If you do not change, you can become extinct." | |||
"What would you do if you weren't afraid?" | |||
"It is safer to search in the maze than it is to remain in a cheeseless situation." | |||
"Old beliefs do not lead to new cheese." |
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by George E. Vaillant, M.D.
Summarized and Reviewed by Pete Landi
Aging Well is a written account of the learnings from three longitudinal studies that followed Americans from their childhood through old age and death. This book attempts to find the common ties that connect people who have managed to live long, healthy, happy lives. When people reach their 70's and 80's, what were the behaviors and actions they took that resulted in a positive outcome vs those who had negative outcomes in life?
For Bodhi community members, we're interested in pulling out the insights that have the greatest impact on our future happiness. And, luckily, the advice there is both simple and unsurprising: relationships matter. Quality relationships with people whom you trust and share mutual love and respect are hugely important to enjoying a long, happy life. Regardless of your career and financial success, people with persistent quality relationships are the people who rate themselves as the most satisfied with their lives.
There are many other insights woven into the book, and I think most readers will get something out of it. But hopefully you walk away really feeling this insight: Getting older is not a thing to fear; it is associated with higher happiness and life satisfaction.
Aging Well is a written account of the learnings from three longitudinal studies that followed Americans from their childhood through old age and death. The author, George Vaillant, is a psychologist who acted as director of one of those studies (the Study of Adult Development at the Harvard University Health Service) for thirty years.
This book attempts to find the common ties that connect people who have managed to live long, healthy, happy lives. When people reach their 70's and 80's, what were the behaviors and actions they took that resulted in a positive outcome vs those who had negative outcomes in life?
The research behind these findings is based on long-term prospective studies, in which experts in the field follow all of the participants over several decades, interviewing them regularly, collecting objective statistics on them, and even talking to the people who are close to them. This allows the researchers to put together insights that may not be discovered by merely interviewing older people and asking them about their lives, and lends a high degree of credibility to the findings.
As you read you'll be introduced to many participants from varied backgrounds, and you'll learn about how their lives changed and evolved as they grew older. We get visibility into people whose lives were largely happy, those whose lives ended in sadness, and many whose lives started out bleak and ended in happy contentment.
For Bodhi community members, we're interested in pulling out the insights that have the greatest impact on our future happiness. And, luckily, the advice there is both simple and unsurprising: relationships matter. Quality relationships with people whom you trust and share mutual love and respect are hugely important to enjoying a long, happy life. Regardless of your career and financial success, people with persistent quality relationships are the people who rate themselves as the most satisfied with their lives.
There are many other insights woven into the book, and I think most readers will get something out of it. For example, you'll learn about the developmental tasks (stages) that lead to adult maturity and see how they play out in the real lives of participants. But hopefully you walk away really feeling this insight: Getting older is not a thing to fear; it is associated with higher happiness and life satisfaction.
Aging Well is quite interesting to read. Large portions of the text are dedicated to sharing stories from the real lives of study participants, and then tying those stories back to each person's personal development. There are insights shared within that are useful, but the biggest joy is the connection we feel to these fascinating individuals who selflessly opened their lives up to this research for decades.
I'm giving this a 2 out of 5 based on its relevance to the Bodhi Band community. The book itself is good and interesting to read, and so it would score closer to 4 on that basis alone. From the Bodhi Band perspective - the pursuit of a self-actualized life - Aging Well gives us hope and excitement for the future, and it shares a few useful tips to help us on our way. But it's not the first book we would recommend on your journey towards the life of your dreams.
Relationships matter. Quality relationships with people whom you trust and share mutual love and respect are hugely important to enjoying a long, happy life. Regardless of your career and financial success, people with persistent quality relationships are the people who rate themselves as the most satisfied with their lives. | |||
Loneliness is very bad for our long-term health, equivalent to smoking or alcohol abuse. | |||
Secure relationships lead to lower rates of depression and better mental functions, such as memory. | |||
The right time to start taking care of your body is now. The younger you begin to treat your body well, the better the long-term effects. | |||
Depression may be linked to poor health outcomes, but evidence suggests that it is the behavior that stems from depression (smoking, substance abuse, reduced activity) that are the actual causes of poor health. |
"In moments of sorrow, loss, and defeat many [older people] still convince us that they find their lives eminently worthwhile. They do not flinch from acknowledging how hard life is, but they also never lose sight of why one might want to keep on living it." - George Vaillant, Aging Well, 2002 | |||
"It is not the bad things that happen to us that doom us; it is the good people who happen to us at any age that facilitate enjoyable old age." - George Vaillant, Aging Well, 2002 | |||
"Learning to play and create after retirement and learning to gain younger friends as we lose older ones add more to life's enjoyment than retirement income." - George Vaillant, Aging Well, 2002 | |||
"Objective good physical health was less important to successful aging than subjective good health. By this I mean that it is all right to be ill as long as you don't feel sick." - George Vaillant, Aging Well, 2002 | |||
"Rather, successful aging means giving to others joyously whenever one is able, receiving from others gratefully whenever one needs it, and being greedy enough to develop one's own self in between." - George Vaillant, Aging Well, 2002 | |||
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love, to put its trust in life." - Joseph Conrad, Victory, 1915 | |||
"Life, today, is always easier if you accept yesterday." - George Vaillant, Aging Well, 2002 |
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You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
]]>I’ve always been pretty good about Changing My Vantage Point with the small stuff. When I hit unexpected traffic, I’m just happy to get to listen to more of my audiobook. I don’t fret too much if we’re running late and there’s nothing we can do about it. I tend to say what’s on my mind if something’s bothering me. And I don’t watch the news because I know it’ll just give me anxiety.
It’s the large stuff that I struggle with. I strive for an unrealistic level of control over my life. The problem is I definitely don’t always have full control over my career and professional life. As a husband and a parent, I don’t always have control over big household changes. I certainly don’t have control over my health. In all three cases, I can control myself, my thoughts, and my actions, but I can’t control what the world throws at me, and sometimes that fills me with tons of anxiety, stress, and frustration.
So when I first put on a “Change Your Vantage Point” band, I knew that’s where I needed to focus. It’s hard because these big decisions are important! So it’s always easy for me to convince myself that my fretting, remorse, rumination, frustration, WHATEVER, is justified because the consequences are important.
But Changing Your Vantage Point isn’t about the importance of the event – it applies to both big and small. Changing Your Vantage Point is about what you can/can’t control and how much. It’s about recognizing and being honest with yourself about that control. It’s about knowing when to let go of the control you NEVER HAD IN THE FIRST PLACE.
So that’s what I focus on now. Whenever I find myself stressed about a major life direction, I ask myself (a) what can/can’t I control in this situation? (b) am I doing my best at what I can control? and (c) how can I look for the upside and move past whatever is stressing me out?
]]>Activity theories of well-being have been around since the days of Aristotle, and have ultimately stood the test of time and science.
In this article, we’ll cover what activity theories are and how you can improve your happiness by incorporating them into your life
Activity theories, in short, state that humans must ACT in order to live and live well.
The term originating with Ed Diener in 1984, according to activity theories of well-being, doing things in certain ways and for particular reasons constitute a kind of goodness in itself. In other words, happiness is a “by-product” of being active in the right way. (Diener, 1984)
For example, when ascending a mountain, the climbing itself might bring greater happiness than reaching the summit. This was fairly novel, because previous Telic theories that focus on the pleasure of accomplishing a goal can’t account for the pre-goal element of well-being.
Activity theories claim that it is activity–not passivity–that is the modus operandi of our lives (Mayr, 1982; Pross, 2016).
In other words, the key to happiness lies in what we DO.
While Diener may have coined the term activity theory, the concept has been around for millenia. Aristotle believed all creatures were driven by a “summum bonum” or ultimate goal, and that happiness was derived from the pursuit of that goal.
Modern biologists agree, and refer to this as “teleonomy” (Pross, 2016).
How does this play into activity theory? According to MacIntyre, it is “only because human beings have an end towards which they are directed by reason of their specific nature, that practices, traditions, and the like are able to function as they do.” (MacIntyre, 2007, p. 149).
In other words, the reason activities contribute so much to our well-being is because those activities are in accordance with some ultimate goal that resonates with what Aristotle would call our “virtues.”
Since Aristotle, it’s been determined that having ONE ultimate goal isn’t necessarily the only path. In fact, there are many different kinds of goals (and thus activities) that can do the trick of making us happy, and any one individual might actively pursue more than one at a time as an optimal path for happiness. It’s really up to the person.
What’s most important in this equation is “person-activity fit” – that there is a match between one’s dispositions (and these are different for each of us) and the goals that we hold and activities we perform (Lyubomirsky & Layous, 2013).
Activity theories were relatively unchallenged until the enlightenment. Then, for a time, they were more or less abandoned.
Deontology (Kant), utilitarianism/consequentialism (Bentham) and contractism (Hobbes) dominated, and these theories were more economic in nature. Essentially, well-being and money became inexplicably intertwined. The theory (the basis of free-market capitalism) went, since people in a market act on a voluntary basis, prices will adjust until supply equals demand. In other words, markets produce the best of all possible worlds (Hausman, Kwak, 2017, Chapter 2; Jordan, 2008; Moore & Crisp, 1996; Ringen, 1995; Sumner, 1996).
Looking back, it’s easy for us to see that this is a bit nuts. Even leaders of this philosophical movement at the time like Adam Smith were cynical about the impact it would have on well-being. Smith even acknowledged that in his model. He stated that doing work simply had a “negative utility.” Work robbed workers of their ability to practice a skilled craft by removing their ability to practice and improve on a holistic skill. In other words, division of labor was good for business, but BAD for well-being. Eventually, even Smith became very concerned about this (Heilbroner, 1973).
A hundred years later, science began to confirm Smith’s concerns, and economic theories of well–being started to fall away.
So economic welfarism had its shortcomings. It reduced humanity down to some balance of demands and supplies. But that’s not how humans work. These theories were the result of doing science without theoretical guidance.
The eventual evidence pouring in that well-being suffered under these conditions prompted a return to activity theory – that in order to live, humans must be active. In order to live well, they must be active in the right way.
When you combine this theory with the workplace, you get craftsmanship.
Craftsmanship is a “desire to do a job well for its own sake.” The new model for a society good for BOTH business AND the well-being of the individual worker could be “learning to work well enables people to govern themselves and so become good citizens” (Sennett, 2008). So what’s so great about craftsmanship for well-being?
Craftsmanship provides nourishment from a fine rhythm between problem solving and problem finding. The often slowness and repetitiveness of it brings about reflection and self-criticism, critical elements of skill development. And skill development is this enduring process that gets you constantly refining your ability, which in itself is gratifying. Those who perform a craft become engaged in the work in and for itself.
In short, creating and craftsmanship have intrinsic benefits for your well-being, and psychologists would classify it as a form of intrinsic motivation (Sennett, 2008).
Both craftsmanship and broader activity theories also resonate with Csikszentmihalyi’s flow theory, which we’ll cover in more detail in a separate article.
In short, when the challenge is slightly higher than the skill, you’re motivated to keep working to overcome the difficulty, and are rewarded for it with challenge-skill balance.
The give and take between that imbalance and balance eventually lead you to a state of “flow,” where you both develop your potential and feel great simultaneously, which can drive intensely positive feelings of pleasure, happiness, satisfaction, and enjoyment.
According to Csikszentmihalyi, a happy life is one which MUST have flow on a regular basis.
Let’s now briefly cover several of the most prominent activity theories.
The authors of the internal motivation theory claim that the traditional perspective on intrinsic motivation is too narrow to properly explain the association between activities and well-being.
They instead lean into the Aristotelian idea that the measure of a good life is “doing the right thing, at the right time, in the right way, for the right reasons.”
In other words, internal motivation theory claims that well-being is impacted by the combination of the actual act and the reason for the act. (Schwartz, 2015; Schwartz & Wrzesniewski, 2016)
Self-Determination Theory states that humans have an inherent and fundamental need to grow toward vitality, integration and good health, and this growth is regulated by three psychological needs:
These psychological needs are not a part of the concept of well-being – they are the causes of well-being, the theory goes. They believe these activities produce happiness as a byproduct (Ryan & Martela, 2016). They are the means to the end (Deci & Ryan, 2000; Ryan & Deci, 2008).
Authors of SDT affirm that to live a really satisfying life, you must do activities that develop and express your most “valued and well integrated potentialities.” In other words, you must do stuff that fulfills your intellectual, social, and productive potential (Ryan et al., 2013).
The functional well-being approach (FWA; Vittersø, 2013a, 2013b; Vittersø, 2016a) proposes a set of mechanisms that identify activities with the state of being well.
This comes in two forms:
Let’s answer this question with a series of questions. Please answer these for yourself, and hopefully, it will result in actionable takeaways for you to make real improvements in your life!
And remember, you can learn, think, and believe, but happiness is going to come from the DOING. So you can write down the answers, but if you don’t go DO anything about it, then you haven’t really created value for yourself.
Good luck, go start DOING, and enjoy life!
Our goals start with our “why.” We are inspired to help people live their best lives through proven alternative learning methods. When people sign up for Bodhi Band and stick around, it makes us happy. When they tell us what a difference we’re making in their life, it makes us even happier!
Our goals are challenging. We regularly set goals around our company, around our customers, and around the impact we wish to have on our community.
Each year, we revisit, reset, and reaffirm our goals. We’re passionate about being a long-term company, so we start with our 10-year outlook. Then we paint a 3-year picture. And finally, we set our direction for the year. Once we have that, we can break them down further and create accountability across the team.
Our mission is to help as many humans as possible become their best self and make Earth a better place for all of us. We truly hope that each of our members finds success with THEIR goals and lives a happier, more fulfilling life as a result.
]]>The following is a collection of inspiring stories about coping, self-care, staying positive, finding meaning, staying determined through hardship, acting despite fear, growth mindset, and social support.
A word of caution: Some of these stories are hard to read. Some are graphic. Reader discretion is advised.
Compiled and Published by Bodhi Band
They were not wrong, Wisconsin is all that. I even like the winter, and if I were to move to another state I would deeply miss my Wisconsin, with its winters and its colors!
I imagine my story with English is the same story for many others. I came here without knowing how to speak a single word. Saying “hello” was so hard. What pushed me to learn English was my family. When I arrived my son was one and a half. He had a speech impediment, and he wouldn’t say a word, no mom, nor water, nor food. Nothing. When he was three I started looking for help. I found some resources but everything was in English. I couldn’t understand the therapists, and I couldn’t help him at home. So I told myself “I need to learn English so I can be part of my children’s growth!”
One of my children’s schools offered English classes. The first one I took was so slow. You’re barely learning the basics, and the pronunciation is so, so difficult. It’s then when frustration starts settling and you start thinking how much time and effort it will take. You get frustrated, you walk away, and you say “I can’t do it.” So I stopped going. In a second attempt I went to Mid-State College, in Wisconsin Rapids, and I stayed there for six months, going everyday. That’s when things started. It’s hard, because you have to do it everyday, continuously. I had to work, attend my children, go to school, and had all the responsibilities that come from being a single mom. But I was also aware that I was limiting my children’s education by not learning the language. They couldn’t participate in sports or extracurricular activities because their mom couldn’t register them, or couldn’t talk to the basketball coach.
One day I found a Portage County Literacy Council ad. I called and Kristy answered. She never left me alone! That was two years ago. Since then I haven’t missed a class. It’s so gratifying to be able to watch a movie with my children and understand it all! Sitting through a parent-teacher conference was such a special moment for me. I felt so proud, and I told myself “Yes, I can do it!”
When the pandemic hit many of my classmates stopped taking classes. I was determined to continue. My tutor and I found a way. We started using technology so not to lose a single class. It has been challenging, you have to overcome all barriers. Sometimes there are distractions with my kids, sometimes the connection is not the best. I don’t have the most advanced computer. But we have found solutions. We tried with different devices. Sometimes I’ll get in my car and close all the windows so I won’t have any distractions. We’ve kept it going from March until now.
I think the pandemic showed how strong we are, how adaptable to change we can be. I’ve become such a resilient person. Coming to this country, learning a new language, seeing my kid grow up with special needs, raising a family. These difficult things helped me learn to say “I have to do it, I have no choice.” It’s the same with the pandemic. We have to find the options to live a better life.
I won’t give up until my goals are met. I want to be fluent in English. I want to get my GED. I want to keep growing as a person. That’s my future. And I wouldn’t have been able to think much about my future if it wasn’t for learning English. I want to help my community. I want to be an interpreter in the future, and help everyone I can, so they can help their own families. I’m sure my children will think of me as a role model. “If she was able to do all of that for me, I can do it for my own children. Yes, I can do it!”
Lili Vera | Plover, WI
Originally published on lovewi.com in 2022
She rarely makes eye contact. Instead, she looks down at the ground. Because the ground is safer. Because unlike people, it expects nothing in return. The ground just accepts her for who she is.
As she sits at the bar next to me, she stares down at her vodka tonic, and then the ground, and then her vodka tonic. “Most people don’t get me,” she says. “They ask me questions like, ‘What’s your problem?’ or ‘Were you mistreated as a child?’ But I never respond. Because I don’t feel like explaining myself. And I don’t think they really care anyway.”
The music is getting loud and I can see that she needs to talk. I ask, “Want to get some fresh air?”
In the chilly night air, she tells me her story. As she speaks, her emotional gaze shifts from the ground, to my eyes, to the moonlit sky, to the ground, and back to my eyes again.
When she finishes, she says, “Well, now you know my story. You think I’m a freak, don’t you?”
“Place your right hand on your chest,” I tell her. She does. “Do you feel something?” I ask.
“Yeah, I feel my heartbeat.”
“Now, place both of your hands on your face and move them around slowly.” She does. “What do you feel now?” I ask.
“Well, I feel my eyes, my nose, my mouth . . . I feel my face.”
“That’s right,” I reply. “But unlike you, stories don’t have heartbeats, and they don’t have faces. Because stories are not alive . . . they’re not people. They’re just stories.”
She stares into my eyes for a long moment, smiles, and says, “Just stories we live through.”
“Yeah . . . and stories we learn from.”
Originally published in 1,000 Little Things Happy Successful Do Differently by Marc and Angel Chernoff.
An old Cherokee was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said, “A battle is raging inside me…it is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”
The old man looked at the children with a firm stare. “This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.”
They thought about it for a minute, and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee replied: “The one you feed.”
Originally published on utexas.edu, accessed 2022.
Sheryl is a very public figure in the business world as the Chief Operations Officer of Facebook and a former global VP for Google. She married Dave Goldberg, the CEO of SurveyMonkey. Despite both of their demanding careers, they lived a pretty normal life with their two kids and were extremely happy together.
Then on vacation in Mexico, Dave unexpectedly passed away. It was so shocking, so devastating, and Sheryl had no idea how to cope. She had a new reality as a widow, with two young kids, trying to grieve while still running a global company. Sometimes, it was so overwhelming that she couldn’t leave her bed.
But in talking with her friend, he advised her to activate her resilience. He taught her to acknowledge that Option A – the life with her husband – wasn’t available to pursue any more. But she could adjust, and start moving down the path of Option B and see what this path had to offer her.
That phrase “Option B” stuck in her mind. Sheryl decided to view her experience as an experiment to practice resilience strategies and write a book about what she learned.
She learned about resilience by collaborating with others who have faced a variety of challenges. She gathered stories from incarcerated inmates, mothers who’ve lost children, abuse survivors, recovering addicts, and more. She compiled them, along with her own story, in a book she fittingly titled “Option B: Build Resilience in the Face of Adversity”. (See some of the inspiring stories Sheryl collected at her website here: https://optionb.org/stories)
Speaking with others about their stories helped her to heal. She felt connected to their struggles, and it gave meaning to hers. No one is immune from adversity, but facing it definitely can make us feel alone. Sharing her story and hearing others’ stories helped her to not feel alone.
From Sheryl’s story we learn another practice for resilience: learn from stories of overcoming adversity. Seeking out inspirational stories (like this blog post) or by asking for stories from people you trust can help you realize you are surrounded by support. We all feel stronger with someone we trust by our side.
Originally published on blog.emihealth.com, Accessed 2022
Two months shy of my 25th birthday, my dad passed away. It is impossible to sum up in writing the emotions I felt. There have been happy moments, bittersweet moments, and moments of utter, crushing sadness.
Over time, though, the number of happy moments increased. I found that my loss made me appreciate the 24 years I was privileged to spend with my dad. I’m thankful for our positive relationship, for the forewarning I had before his passing, and for my ability to continue living out his values now. I’m also grateful that my dad regularly told me he was proud of me. And I am proud to have had such a great man as my dad.
Last year was my first Father's Day without him. I spent it with a best friend who understood the pain I was going through. I could talk to this friend about grief and bittersweet memories if I wanted, but I could also talk about pop culture, work, life, memes, and other things that had nothing to do with my dad. I was in a safe space to cry and laugh—whichever I needed.
It means a lot to have friends who simply show up—who just check in, and are there. I want people to understand that however I react to Father’s Day—whether I celebrate or am just “broken” for the day—is okay. Last year, friends texted me on Father's Day to see how I was doing. Even if it was a mundane “Hey, how's it going,” it reminded me that I have options and that how I'm feeling is not anyone's burden. People want me to share my bumpy ride of grief with them, and I'm thankful for that love in my life.
This year, I have a little more energy and focus than I did last year. I plan to honor my dad by talking more about the love he showed me, and the selflessness he showed to others. I want to celebrate him and talk about him in ways that he was too humble to do himself. He was truly a one-of-a-kind person. I want to use my reflections about him to help give others the understanding that time with your parents isn't guaranteed—you have to make the most of that time while you have it.
First published on optionb.com in 2018.
Zangre was told that soccer was a boy’s sport. Her father didn’t want her to play. What would have happened if she had listened? What would have happened if she didn’t have her brother and Compassion staff to encourage her to be brave and use her gifts? She certainly wouldn’t have been selected to play in the World Cup Qualifiers on the Burkina Faso women’s national football team.
Here's Zangre’s story in her own words…
Zangre:
I love football. It’s the first game I ever played. I really enjoy it, and playing allows me to express myself. When I see the crowd, I can show my talent, and prove that a girl can play just as well as a boy.
My older brother has always played football. He taught me how to play before I started school. When I started school, I played with friends there.
Zangre’s Brother, Kim:
It is uncommon to see a woman playing football, because in the culture, many people think that women should be working in the household with their mother.
Zangre:
People say that the place for a woman is in the home. My father thought I shouldn’t be doing things like playing football. That’s a boy’s thing to do. He thought that it wasn’t good that I play too much football because it could give me ideas of not behaving like a girl should.
[The Compassion organization] has done a lot for me by providing me with an education and an opportunity to learn football. They encouraged me to play. When I didn’t have any shoes or shorts, they gave me some.
One day a scout came and saw me play. He called me over and said that I played well. He said he wanted to start a club and asked if I wanted to join. My parents didn’t like this, but my brother was very supportive. He came to all my matches. He told me to continue.
In 2012, Zangre was selected to play in the women’s world cup qualifiers.
Zangre’s Brother:
Zangre’s father, like any other father, it was hard for him at the beginning to see his daughter playing football. After the game with the national team and when Zangre came back from the trip in Algeria, that was a turning point. That changed his mind.
Zangre:
My dad is very happy with me now. He comes to see my matches. I think he is very proud of me.
First published on compassion.com in 2020.
John and his friends used to go mountain climbing once every year. One year, they decided to climb mountains in the Swiss Alps.
They reached the famous mountain spot in the Swiss Alps and were surprised to see a lot of people. Nonetheless, John and his friends started up the mountain. In no time, they reached the top of the hill. They decided to camp there.
Then John saw another mountain, one where only a handful of people were trying to climb. He told his friends, “Instead of camping here, let’s go climb that one. It’ll be fun and challenging.”
A friend replied, “No way, I’ve heard people talking about that mountain. It’s too difficult to climb. Only a few people can do it.”
Some people nearby overheard the conversation and said, “If it was easy to climb, why we were sitting idle here?” John took that as a challenge and went alone toward the peak.
Two hours later, he reached the top of the hill. People who were already there welcomed John with a round of applause.
John was thrilled. There were the most magnificent, beautiful views from the top.
He started a conversation with people, “While climbing this peak, I felt it was not so difficult. Why then are there only a handful of people here? If people can climb the lower peak, they can climb here too, if they were just to put in a little effort.”
A veteran climber replied, “Most people in the crowd are happy with what they find easy. They never think that they have the potential to achieve more. Even people who are not happy on just the first peak don’t want to take any risk. They think if they take risks, they will lose what they already have. But to reach a new peak, we need to put in effort. Many of them don’t show any courage, and they remain part of the crowd their whole life, and they complain about the handful of courageous people and call them lucky.”
First published on winnersstory.com in 2022, modified for this book.
“Papa, what will happen to us if you do not earn any money?” It was mid-March when public life came to a standstill with the Covid 19-outbreak, and virtually all my coaching and consulting projects and opportunities were cancelled or postponed. And it was particularly this question of my son Luka (11) which put me into an emotional turmoil and a bit of panic. Sure, it was about the money, but my fears and worries were also about my professional future overall, my role (and identity) as main breadwinner of the family, and, of course, the grim consequences for society and economy.
As a coach, I do know lots of tools and tricks which should help dealing with a situation like this. However, the initial questions which came to my mind were full of worries: What if this went on for months or even years? What if the partner firms I work for had to cancel their contracts with me? We are accumulating a substantial financial loss every month as a family – how long will our savings last to compensate for this? Will I be able to generate new clients in an even more competitive and growingly virtual business context? I was stuck low on the mood elevator and in a mentality of fear. I did not manage to get access to my beautiful "tools", as much as I tried rationally.
What really helped me, as a coach and human being in crisis, were the deep and inspiring conversations I had with many friends, freelance colleagues and with my teammates within Heidrick Consulting. Being able to talk about my uncertainties, sharing my anxieties, listening to those of others – the empathy and solidarity of those conversations eventually brought me back on track. And suddenly a whole set of different questions came into my mind which were previously hidden: What am I grateful for in life? What benefits could I find in this situation of crisis where I suddenly had much more time and less stress than in my “normal” life? What more can I do to make the best of a “gravity” situation which I am not able to influence or control? Which areas in life and business should I now focus on?
With my deeper dive into these questions, I have since discovered many new perspectives and ideas. With waves of energy coming back to me, I have started putting some of the ideas into practice. Because of those first little successes, even more energy evolved. My perception of life is now substantially different although it is still the same life. My new “projects” are about doing some research, writing some articles, transforming coaching and consulting tools into virtual offerings, becoming an expert in Zoom and other digital collaboration tools, and networking with colleagues and clients. In my personal life, I have started to use the time and energy I have won for more playing and hanging out with the kids, coordinating homeschooling, taking over more tasks at home (with my wife being more involved in her job than before), doing some community work in our neighborhood, sorting out our garden, cleaning up and renovating our house, extensive 1:1 walks and distance calls with friends. It is again a remarkably busy and enjoyable life - and I am deeply grateful for having gone through that re-framing and change of mindset. I have also found a fitting name for this new phase of my life – I am on sabbatical… I could not have re-discovered my growth mindset without the care, support and empathy of many great friends and colleagues. Thank you!
By Axel Kersten, originally published on LinkedIn in 2020.
I should have died when a red pickup truck T-boned me broadside. Luckily, my limp 105-pound body was launched across a busy intersection. I say “lucky” because the bike I was riding had become tangled beneath the truck’s chassis and was dragged for three miles.
When my 21-year-old body left Earth, the event was happening in slow motion. Mid-air, I could have sworn a giant hand caught me like a fly ball in a kidskin glove. I genuinely believe that an act of God, “the hand,” cushioned my fall. That’s how catechism colors you.
I landed on the hot pavement and skipped like a river stone to the other side of the street. Implausible but true, a paramedic truck was parked nearby. Everything after that was hazy.
I woke up in a hospital emergency room, surrounded by the scuttle of doctors and nurses. One nurse was scrubbing the right side of my face with an abrasive pad. I didn’t feel pain—but I will never forget the smell of baby shampoo.
This woman’s job was to clean the “road rash” (aka the pavement particles) still embedded in my face. I suffered a severe head injury. I had broken bones, shattered molars, and my skin was shredded.
Piecing it all back together, I had the green walk signal—yet the entire incident was my fault. I was totally distracted by my ambitions. To graduate in 3 1/2 years (with a degree in journalism), I orchestrated a one-semester jump on my classmates.
Obtaining that early diploma meant stacking my classes practically on top of one another. I bought a badass bike to cut down on my time between classes. Feeling fast and furious, I crossed a familiar intersection (without looking right or left) focused on arriving at the Clark Building ten minutes early for my finals.
I would have made it except for… smack! The truck. If I had not been so distracted over saving a few ticks by riding my bike to class, I could have forgone my young life’s most frightening hospital visit.
I was able to recover, get back to work and graduate early. I covered the scars on my forehead with my bangs. I nailed down an on-air television job soon after graduation. I was wrong about time being my enemy. Time was what healed my wounds.
Time became my best friend who taught me perspective. I am still busy and ambitious, but I can now recognize when the distraction beast is taunting me. Still, every time I look in the mirror, pull my bangs aside and see the scars, I’m reminded that my worst distraction was me. I nearly got myself killed.
I’m more aware of other motorists now. I actually wrangle with passengers to let me do the driving. Beyond that, I am focused on a thousand potential threats when I’m with my daughters. You know, like kidnappers hiding under cars, driving alone at night, and not engaging with aggressive road rage drivers.
While this might sound a little paranoid to you, the near-death lesson I carry with me to this day is, “Allison, look around. Ignoring danger will add more risk and erase joy.”
By Allison Dalvit, originally published on upjourney.com.
Once upon a time a psychology professor walked around on a stage while teaching stress management principles to an auditorium filled with students. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the typical “glass half empty or glass half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, the professor asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”
Students shouted out answers ranging from eight ounces to a couple pounds.
She replied, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass doesn’t matter. It all depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light. If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache a little. If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”
As the class shook their heads in agreement, she continued, “Your stresses and worries in life are very much like this glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and you begin to ache a little. Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed – incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.”
First published on marcandangel.com in 2013.
Once upon a time there was a woman who had been lost in the desert for three whole days without water. Just as she was about to collapse, she saw what appeared to be a lake just a few hundred yards in front of her. “Could it be? Or is it just a mirage?” she thought to herself.
With the last bit of strength she could muster, she staggered toward the lake and quickly learned that her prayers had been answered: it was no mirage—it was indeed a large, spring-fed lake full of fresh water—more fresh water than she could ever drink in her lifetime. Yet while she was literally dying of thirst, she couldn’t bring herself to drink the water. She simply stood by the water’s edge and stared down at it.
There was a passerby riding on a camel from a nearby desert town who was watching the woman’s bizarre behavior. He got off his camel, walked up to the thirsty woman and asked, “Why don’t you have a drink, ma’am?”
She looked up at the man with an exhausted, distraught expression across her face and tears welling up in her eyes. “I am dying of thirst,” she said, “But there is way too much water here in this lake to drink. No matter what I do, I can’t possibly finish it all.”
The passerby smiled, bent down, scooped some water up with his hands, lifted it to the woman’s mouth and said, “Ma’am, your opportunity right now, and as you move forward throughout the rest of your life, is to understand that you don’t have to drink the whole lake to quench your thirst. You can simply take one sip. Just one small sip… and then another if you choose. Focus only on the mouthful in front of you, and all your anxiety, fear and overwhelm about the rest will gradually fade.”
First published on purposefocuscommitment.com.
It has been suggested that people who are diagnosed with a long term illness may go through the stages of grief that are commonly quoted in connection with the death of a loved one.
For some people the diagnosis of a long term illness will be a relief. You may have had weeks, months or even years of symptoms that now slot into place. It’s good to know why things have been happening; an understanding can bring with it a sense of calm. On the other hand it can also bring a sense of panic and raise a myriad of questions.
Others may have a very quick diagnosis, and although it can be good to know what you are dealing with it does not give time to come to terms with what may be wrong.
It really doesn’t matter how or when you found out about your chronic illness, there will be many emotions that you may experience.
Emotions are Similar to Those of Grief
Emotions arise such as denial – not necessarily about the actual diagnosis but not wanting to find out any more about the condition, anger – why me and why now?, sadness or disappointment– grieving for the loss of the old “you” along with worries about the path your life will now take.
It is perfectly normal and understandable to have these feelings. It is important to realize that the diagnosis of a long term illness is not the end and eventually you will come to terms with it, you’ll start piecing your life back together again and move on.
Someone said to me: “Everything’s going to be OK but only when your definition of OK has been redefined”
Here, I will tell my story and how I dealt with my diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis.
I was never the most athletic of children; I hated P.E. and found any way I could to avoid taking part. I suppose I always thought of myself as clumsy and not very good at the usual childhood skipping and ball games. As I grew up it became easier to avoid situations where the clumsiness would be highlighted.
However, in 1997 at the age of 31 I began a four year course to train as a Primary Teacher. We had to cover all areas of the curriculum and this time I couldn’t make excuses to avoid P.E! All the old fears came back, I felt awkward and incapable. I remember in one practical lesson we had to walk along the narrow upturned edge of four benches placed in a square. Most of my peers could get right round; but not me! This is my first memory of my balance not being the same as other people.
I qualified in the summer of 2001 and got a job to start in the September. I was asked to do some supply work before the children broke up for the summer holidays. This seemed like a good way to become familiar with the school; unfortunately it wasn’t! I fell at the school and broke both my legs and didn’t return to the school until January 2002. I still don’t know whether others in the same situation would have fallen too or if it was because of my poor balance.
Symptoms of MS
The next ten years passed without any serious medical concerns. I was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome and also had bladder problems but nothing that couldn’t be handled. I now know that these were symptoms of MS.
Any difficulties I had with my legs I blamed on weaknesses due to my fall. I couldn’t walk in a straight line but this somehow didn’t seem important. Thinking back I can recall many times that I wobbled from one side of the school corridor to the other and the same used to happen at home. I used to trip over invisible objects but just assumed this was my usual clumsiness. I couldn’t stand still with my eyes closed. I also remember feeling exhausted after going up several flights of stairs, my legs felt unbelievably wobbly but I just put this down to being unfit.
In April 2011 I began to have walking problems; I couldn’t go as far as I normally did, my leg was like concrete and I felt as if I was dragging it around. During a routine appointment with my GP I mentioned my walking, he didn’t think it was particularly significant until I also told him I couldn’t walk in a straight line. He decided that I should have an MRI of my head to be on the safe side.
Over the next week or so my walking deteriorated further and my problems became visible to others. I suppose this was the time I became frightened about what was wrong with me. The internet is a wonderful source of information but it can cause nightmares too. I was warned by many people not to do much searching of symptoms on the internet but it is very tempting when you’re concerned about your health. It was by doing this that I came across the MS Society website and I became convinced this was what was wrong with me as I had about 80% of the symptoms.
Chronic Illness and Fear of the Unknown
I remember a mixture of emotions: fear, impatience and a naïve determination that the sooner I found out what was wrong with me the sooner it could be put right. This manifested itself through tears, arguments and stubbornness. I had my share of what we called my “it’s not fair days” where I spent many an hour crying, questioning and worrying about the future.
I had an emergency appointment with a neurologist who asked many questions and conducted a wide variety of tests. I remember looking round the waiting room and seeing people of varying disability and wondering if it was an insight into my future.
The Diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis
Over the next 3 months I had many blood tests, an MRI of brain and spine and also a lumbar puncture in order to help with the diagnosis. When I had the first MRI scan and had been slid into the machine the seriousness of the situation swept over me and a single tear was shed in the privacy of the contraption.
At the end of September 2011, five months after the symptoms had become obvious I received the diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. It was what I expected but that doesn’t mean it’s any easier to accept. Currently there is no cure and for this particular variant of multiple sclerosis and there is no treatment which may slow the progression of the disease. I take medication to relieve some of the symptoms but this is not always successful.
Coping with Chronic Illness after the Diagnosis
Shortly after diagnosis I attempted to go back to work. My own GP and work’s Occupational Health doctor were surprised that I wanted to try but I felt I had to do just that. If I hadn’t tried I would never have known, I would have always wondered if it was possible. It was a job I loved but I needed to try to return in order to accept that I could no longer fulfill the role. It was a difficult process but I feel it was essential for me.
Coming to Terms with Your New Life with Chronic Illness
What now? We have got used to taking life at a slower pace; we haven’t had a choice. We have accepted that I will never be better than I am today and there is no way of telling how quick or severe the progression will be. We know that it is possible that I will be a full time wheelchair user at some point; however long or short that may be. There is no certainty of this but I find it easier to assume that I will, rather than denying that it will happen. We’re determined to make memories and “seize the day”. I urge you all to do the same as you honestly don’t know what’s round the corner.
MS is often described as a MonSter and yes, it is a harsh and merciless disease that can rob you of your privacy and dignity but I don’t intend to be a sufferer. Various people have said how brave and upbeat I’m being but believe me that’s not every day! Just because I sound good doesn’t mean I feel good. What do you gain from being sad? Sometimes I have to make myself be happy. It doesn’t mean I’m not in pain or extremely tired. It doesn’t mean I am getting better or any of those things. It is exhausting and I am doing my best to cope with this. I will live my life to the best of my ability. But it is a new life, an unknown and uncertain life, one I am still adjusting to. It is not the life I had planned!
I can be stubborn at times and can find it difficult to ask for help. I am getting a bit better and I’m learning to see aids and adaptations as enablers rather than seeing them as a spotlight on my disability. For instance, I’ve purchased a mobility scooter which gives me some independence in the local neighborhood. I’ve named it Speedy! The dog is learning to walk alongside it, although she’s puffed out by the time we get home! I also use a wheelchair for shopping trips or days out. Initially I wasn’t happy about this but then I realized I would enjoy the experience more if I did use my chair.
Friends and family are of course of great importance, and I don’t think I would be so positive if I didn’t have their tremendous support. One of my friends reminded me of a quote from Mother Teresa who said we’re not given anything we can’t handle – that’s something I remind myself of each day. Friends from work have kept regular contact by texts, emails, phone calls, visits, meals out and delivery of home-made goodies! In a situation like mine you certainly find who your true friends are!
I have found it important to find out everything I can about the disease, it helps me understand what is happening to me. I have found the internet extremely useful although I don’t believe everything I read. Online support in the guise of forums can be invaluable as you can pose questions anonymously to people who are in the same situation as yourself and may have years more experience of what you are currently struggling with. It is vital to remember however that the advice given from forums should not replace the medical advice that you are personally given.
Activities, Exercise and Socializing Help to Cope with Chronic Illness
One problem I had was finding activities to fill the days which had been full of work. Most of my friends worked so I have had to find a new social circle. This, I found quite daunting as I’m a quiet person.
Local Support Groups are important although it may take time to find the best one suited to you. I tried three different groups before I found one that I was comfortable with.
You may find it difficult to find the right sort of exercise class. I go to my local sports center for a session which is run by an instructor who is supervised by physiotherapists from the hospital. This means the exercises are tailored to the individual. I enjoy my weekly class for the social side as well as for the exercise. It is so important to keep as fit as you can in order that your body responds well to treatments and your condition.
Coping with Chronic Illness Doesn't Change who you are. I don’t believe that everything you attend should relate to your long term illness; it’s good to have contact with others too. After all, you are still exactly the same person you were before being diagnosed.
A virtual “friend” recently posted this about coping with chronic illness on the forum that I visit most regularly:
"Life starts to take shape again, you get your bearings again, the fears for the future don't dominate in the same way, the here-and-now starts to reassert itself (in a good way), it becomes easier to enjoy the good things wholeheartedly again, those blessed moments of happiness and ordinariness stop being so few and far between. Life goes on. It might look a bit different, and that takes some adjusting to, but a person can make a good life for herself with MS (or any other long term chronic illness), and the people she loves can too. Just hang on in there."
First published on griefandsympathy.com, retrieved in 2022.
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by Angela Duckworth, PH.D.
Summarized and Reviewed by Pete Landi
Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, by Angela Duckworth, is a tremendously influential book for good reason. In this volume, she outlines the most important takeaways from her pioneering research into the question of what drives high levels of achievement and self-actualization.
A core insight to this research is that talent and IQ are, in fact, not highly predictive of success. More talent does not necessarily deliver high levels of achievement, nor does a high IQ. What does produce reliably higher achievement? Passion and Perseverance. Those two attributes together are what we call "Grit". People who care deeply about the subject of their work and who also apply themselves wholeheartedly to progressing that work are the ones who reach high levels of achievement. "Talent" is only helpful in the sense that it can accelerate the speed of mastery when combined with effort.
There are four foundational elements that make up a gritty person, which Dr. Duckworth digs into in some detail in the book. Those are Passion, Practice, Purpose & Hope. For people who judge themselves lacking in one or more of these qualities, Grit offers suggestions on how to build up strength in those areas.
Perhaps the most resonating message is the idea that effort is at the core of everything. Effort applied to talent creates skills; effort applied to skills creates mastery and achievement. The people who have reached high levels of self-actualization have typically exerted considerable effort over many years in the pursuit of their goals.
In summary, this book shares a few clear and simple concepts about what factors are proven by science to be predictive of success and high levels of achievement. For the Bodhi Band community, the concepts presented by Grit should be learned and taken to heart as we journey towards our own self-actualization. I couldn't recommend this book more.
Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, by Angela Duckworth, is a tremendously influential book that has benefited countless individuals and companies in a wide variety of fields since its initial publication in 2016. In this volume, she outlines the most important takeaways from her pioneering research into the question of what drives some people to reach higher levels of achievement and self-actualization than other people.
A core insight to this research is that the two things you might think are highly predictive of success are, in fact, not so much. Those are talent and IQ. Most of us would expect that a "talented" person (i.e., a person who shows natural or inborn propensity to excel at a particular task) would have a higher success rate at a given task than a less-talented person. This may be true at lower levels of achievement, but it more talent does not necessarily deliver high levels of achievement. The same can be said for IQ levels.
What does produce reliably higher achievement? Two attributes, Passion and Perseverance, are the most predictive factors of a person's success. Those two attributes together are what we call "Grit". Put another way, people who care deeply about the subject of their work and who also apply themselves wholeheartedly to progressing that work are the ones who reach high levels of achievement. "Talent" is only helpful in the sense that it can accelerate the speed of mastery when combined with effort.
There are four foundational elements that make up a gritty person, which Dr. Duckworth digs into in some detail in the book. Those are Passion, Practice, Purpose & Hope. For people who judge themselves lacking in one or more of these qualities, Grit offers suggestions on how to build up strength in those areas. For example, conducting a deep reflection on what topics and activities consistently bring you joy can be a hint towards what your lifelong passion(s) might be. Many successful people spend years exploring different interests before hitting on the one main pursuit of their lives, so you should allow yourself some patience and time in your own explorations.
Perhaps the most resonating message in this book is the idea that effort is at the core of everything. Effort applied to talent creates skills; effort applied to skills creates mastery and achievement. The people who have reached high levels of self-actualization have typically exerted considerable effort over many years in the pursuit of their goals. This is why passion is a prerequisite to success; we just aren't going to apply that much effort for that long into something we aren't deeply driven by.
In summary, this book shares a few clear and simple concepts about what factors are proven by science to be predictive of success and high levels of achievement. For the Bodhi Band community, the concepts presented by Grit should be learned and taken to heart as we journey towards our own self-actualization. I couldn't recommend this book more.
Grit is written in an approachable, narrative-driven form. While there is a lot of scientific research referenced throughout, there is also a considerable body of relatable stories from high-achieving people in a broad variety of contexts. The style and tone make this an easy and enjoyable read, and the insights provided make it well worth the investment of time.
This book is, in our opinion, an incredibly important book for anyone who is striving to introduce change into their lives. Angela Duckworth's pioneering research lays out a clear and proven set of characteristics that are common to people who have achieved high levels of self-actualization, and then she provides examples of how those characteristics have played out in real people's lives. For the Bodhi Band community, Grit provides indispensable advice on how to improve upon those characteristics in our own lives, and how to think about long-term purposeful work and change.
Conventional measures of ability, such as G.P.A., SAT scores, "raw talent" and extracurricular activities are not adequate predictors of future success in life. A person's Grit score is a better predictor once controlling for the other factors. | |||
Highly successful people exhibit both high levels of determination (passion) and high levels of resilience (perseverance). This is what we mean by Grit. | |||
People do have limits, but most of us live far below those limits. Very few people push themselves to the extremes of their abilities, and the ones who manage to do so rely on effort much more than talent. | |||
Companies with a "talent mindset", putting maximum focus onto hiring and retaining top talent while aggressively purging lower performers, risk creating a toxic narcissistic culture of deception and back-stabbing. Employees are incentivized to optimize for short-term performance over long-term health & stability. Better to focus on developing perseverance and long-term striving into a corporate culture. | |||
Effort factors into the success equation twice: Effort builds talent into skill (more talent just makes this part faster); Effort builds skills into achievement. | |||
Your grit score can change over your lifetime. You may be more or less gritty now than when you were younger, and it could change in the future with practice. | |||
High levels of grit are aligned with working towards the same goal for a long period of time, with all mid and low-level goals organized in support of that goal. | |||
There is little to no relationship between IQ and achievement. Passion and perseverance are much more predictive of future success than IQ. | |||
Grit scores tend to increase with age. This could be for a variety of reasons, but likely is related to wisdom gained from experience. It takes years to learn that developing real expertise in something is a rewarding experience. | |||
Grit can be grown by working on 4 attributes: Interest, Practice, Purpose & Hope. | |||
Interest often takes a long time to narrow down into the one that is strong enough to drive your efforts for the rest of your life. High achievers often took years of exploration before becoming laser focused on one. | |||
Achievers pursue what is called "Deliberate Practice". This is differentiated from casual practice in a few ways: They set clear goals from their practice; they use full concentration & effort; they seek immediate measurement & feedback; they refine thoughtfully and repeat. | |||
Purpose is as important as interest, and can be cultivated by: 1 - Reflecting on how your work contribute to society, 2 - Coming up with ways to adapt your work to connect better with your own core values, 3 - Seeking out a role model who inspires you to be a more purposeful person. | |||
Hope is the experience of having confidence that you can always find a way forward if you keep pushing. This is also called a Growth Mindset, and it is what helps achievers continue to make progress when life inevitably throws us curveballs. | |||
High grit scores are correlated with high life-satisfaction. People who rate highly in grit rate themselves as happier than people with low grit scores. |
"Excepting fools, people do not differ much in intellect, only in zeal and hard work; and I still think this is an eminently important difference." Charles Darwin (1869) | |||
"With everything perfect, we do not ask how it came to be. Instead we rejoice in the present fact as though it came out of the ground by magic." Friedrich Nietzsche | |||
"On any long journey, detours are to be expected." Angela Duckworth, Grit, (2016) | |||
"On your own, you can you your grit 'from the inside out': You can cultivate your interests. You can develop a habit of daily challenge-exceeding-skill practice. You can connect your work to a purpose beyond yourself. And you can learn to hope when all seems lost." Angela Duckworth, Grit (2016) | |||
"You can also grow grit 'from the outside in'. Parents, coaches, teachers, bosses, mentors, friends -- developing grit depends critically on other people." Angela Duckworth, Grit (2016) | |||
"Often, our passion and perseverance do not spring from a cold, calculating analysis of the costs and benefits of alternatives. Rather, the source of our strength is the person we know ourselves to be." Angela Duckworth, Grit (2016) | |||
"If you want to be grittier, find a gritty culture and join it. If you're a leader, and you want people in your organization to be grittier, create a gritty culture." Angela Duckworth, Grit (2016) | |||
"When you keep searching for ways to change your situation for the better, you stand a chance of finding them. When you stop searching, assuming they can't be found, you guarantee they won't." Angela Duckworth, Grit (2016) | |||
"Whatever your age, it's never too early or late to being cultivating a sense of purpose." Angela Duckworth, Grit (2016) | |||
"Eventually, if you keep practicing in the same time and place, what once took conscious thought to initiate becomes automatic." Angela Duckworth, Grit (2016) |
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by Martin Seligman, Ph.D.
Summarized and Reviewed by Pete Landi
Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Martin Seligman, Ph.D. is a ground-breaking book from a pioneering psychologist and researcher. Inside, he shares how we can make meaningful improvements to our lives by shifting our personal explanatory style from pessimistic to optimistic.
What distinguishes two categories of people -- those that overcome adversity versus those that give up easily -- is their different "explanatory styles". People with a pessimistic style fare worse after a bad event than those with an optimistic style. Dr. Seligman and others have proven that people with a pessimistic style can be trained to adopt an optimistic style. And even better, once a person is trained in the optimistic techniques, the benefits last the person's whole life. This book covers those techniques in vivid detail.
Bodhi Band community members will love that Learned Optimism teaches readers how to improve their odds of future success and happiness. All of us face adversity off and on throughout our whole lives, but those of us who have mastered optimism in the face of bad events will bounce back faster, keep trying more times, succeed more often, and be happier.
Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Martin Seligman, Ph.D. is a ground-breaking book from a pioneering psychologist and researcher. As the founder of "positive psychology", Dr. Seligman brings a career's worth of experience and legitimacy to the question of how a person can make meaningful improvements to their life by shifting their personal explanatory style from pessimistic to optimistic.
In this book we learn about the journey he and his fellow researchers took as they tried to understand why some people are able to keep trying in the face adversity, while other people become helpless and lose hope. They speculated that people are prone to becoming helpless if they have "learned" that their own actions don't matter, and they were able to prove that idea out using both animals and humans.
Dr. Seligman's research led over time to the understanding that the difference between these two types of people -- those that overcome adversity versus those that give up easily -- is their different "explanatory styles". People with a pessimistic explanatory style tend to fare worse after a bad event than those with an optimistic explanatory style. And this effect is causal, meaning that a person isn't just more optimistic AFTER bouncing back from a bad event (or more pessimistic after failing to bounce back), but the person's personal style predicts how well they will do after an adverse moment.
The good news in all of this research is that Dr. Seligman and others have proven through studies and experimentation that people with a pessimistic explanatory style can be trained through cognitive therapy to adopt an optimistic style. And even better, once a person is trained in the optimistic techniques, the benefits are permanent; they last the person's whole life. This book walks the reader through those exact techniques, complete with multiple examples of them being put to use across a variety of real-world scenarios.
So, in terms that are useful for the members of the Bodhi Band community, Learned Optimism teaches readers how to improve their odds of future success and happiness by reshaping the way they think about and respond to adversity in their lives. All of us face adversity off and on throughout our whole lives, but those of us who have mastered optimism in the face of bad events will bounce back faster, keep trying more times, succeed more often, and be happier.
This book, originally released over 30 years ago, has been updated through multiple editions by now, although some of the references are a bit dated in places. The writing style is easy and narrative driven, and there are multiple tests built into the text that you can take at your leisure. Dr. Seligman's research is enduringly interesting and hopeful, which kept us turning the page until the end.
The book can be a bit repetitive in places. This is because Dr. Seligman takes the same learnings and shows the reader how they apply across multiple varied scenarios. If you have an interest in all of those scenarios, then you'll likely read them all in detail; if not, you may find yourself skipping to the chapters that apply directly to you.
Overall, we give Learned Optimism an average score for reading enjoyability, but this score does not take away from the power of the information shared within the book.
Learned Optimism has the potential to be a life-changing book, and as such scores a high rating from Bodhi Band. What makes it so important? It's from this book that we learn some of the most important discoveries from Dr. Martin Seligman's career researching psychology. First, that pessimists have worse outcomes than optimism in terms of physical health, mental health, success and happiness. Second, that pessimism isn't just a result of bad outcomes, but that it is also a cause. Third, that people can be taught through cognitive therapy how to retrain their pessimistic "explanatory styles" to be more optimistic. Fourth, that those new skills and learnings will last a lifetime. And finally, he shares specific techniques that you can practice right now, including many example scenarios of those techniques in action across a multitude of settings.
So, in short, Learned Optimism lays out clear and practical techniques for how to achieve more success and happiness in your life, all backed by decades of research into cognitive science.
Pessimism is a world-view that is driven by the way that a person processes and reacts to bad events. | |||
Pessimism is in most cases an undesirable state because it leads to things like prolonged depression, feelings of helplessness, lower levels of health and less professional & personal success. | |||
In lab tests with both animals and humans, we've discovered that some people are particularly prone to giving up, to abject helplessness, when faced with an unwinnable situation. But some people bounce back quickly. Those people who bounce back more quickly score higher on the positivity scale than those who don't. Conversely, pessimists do not bounce back and remain stuck in a helpless state. | |||
Each person has an "explanatory" style in which they react to adversity, and this explanatory style is a driver in how pessimistic or optimistic a person will be. | |||
Your explanatory style describes how you react to both bad events and good events across these three dimensions: Permanence - How long-lasting the cause of the adversity is perceived to be. Pervasiveness - How wide-spread the cause of the adversity is perceived to be. Personalization - To what degree we perceive faults within ourselves as causing adversity. |
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Scoring low on all three of those dimensions means that you tend to think of problems as temporary, limited setbacks created by things outside of your control, and as a result you are much more likely to be optimistic about conditions improving in the near future. Because of this, you feel less helpless and are more likely to brush yourself off and keep trying then things don't go your way. | |||
Personal explanatory styles are not permanent. They are not a fixed part of your personality. Science has shown decisively that people with a pessimistic explanatory style can be taught to use an optimistic style, resulting in less depression and better rates of success in those people. | |||
Ruminators are people who continually mull over bad events. Ruminators can be optimistic or pessimistic, but it is the pessimistic group that is in the most danger of depression because they are continually subjecting themselves to a negative explanatory style. | |||
Women are much more likely to be ruminators than men, which may possibly explain why women suffer from depression at twice the rate as men. | |||
Cognitive therapy is used to retrain a person to use an optimistic explanatory style, which in turn helps combat depression and achieve higher levels of success. This "cure" can help someone for the rest of their life. | |||
For jobs that involve long-struggles or frequent rejections, a shift to a positive explanatory style predicts greater success and happiness in that role. | |||
Children (both boys and girls) get their explanatory styles from their mothers, usually not their fathers. This is not heritable; rather, children learn their style from their primary caregiver, who is more often the mother. | |||
Explanatory style is somewhat predictive of outcomes in both sports and politics. Participants who score higher in optimism are more likely to win than participants who score higher in pessimism. | |||
Explanatory style is somewhat predictive of health outcomes. Patients with similar diseases have better outcomes if they are optimistic than if they are pessimistic. | |||
Disputation is the process by which you challenge your pessimistic (permanent, pervasive & personalized) beliefs by: 1. Seeking evidence (is this negative belief I hold backed up by facts?) 2. Presenting alternatives (are there different plausible causes for this adversity?) 3. Exploring the implications (is this adversity really that bad? Really? Decatastrophizing) 4. Determining usefulness (is this negative belief actually useful for me right now, or can I put off dwelling on it until I have time) |
"My profession spends most of its time trying to make the troubled less troubled. Helping troubled people is a worthy goal, but somehow psychology almost never gets around to the complementary goal of making the lives of well people even better." Martin Seligman, Learned Optimism (2006) | |||
"The defining characteristic of pessimists is that they tend to believe bad events will last a long time, will undermine everything they do, and are their own fault." Martin Seligman, Learned Optimism (2006) | |||
"Habits of thinking need not be forever. One of the most significant findings in psychology in the last twenty years is that individuals can choose the way they think." Martin Seligman, Learned Optimism (2006) | |||
"Optimism and pessimism affect health itself, almost as clearly as do physical factors. Martin Seligman, Learned Optimism (2006) | |||
"Now, after seven years of experiments, it was clear to us that the remarkable attribute of resilience in the face of defeat need not remain a mystery. It was not an inborn trait; it could be acquired." Martin Seligman, Learned Optimism (2006) | |||
"Life inflicts the same setbacks and tragedies on the optimist as on the pessimist, but the optimist weathers them better." Martin Seligman, Learned Optimism (2006) | |||
"Anytime you find yourself down or anxious or angry, ask what you are saying to yourself. Sometimes the beliefs will turn out to be accurate; when this is so, concentrate on the ways you can alter the situation and prevent adversity from becoming disaster. But usually your negative beliefs are distortions. Challenge them. Don't let them run your emotional life." Martin Seligman, Learned Optimism (2006) | |||
"Everyone has his own point of discouragement, his own wall. What you do when you hit this wall can spell the difference between helplessness and mastery, between failure and success." Martin Seligman, Learned Optimism (2006) | |||
...one necessary condition for meaning is the attachment to something larger than you are. The larger the entity you attach yourself to, the more meaning you can derive." Martin Seligman, Learned Optimism (2006) |
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When it comes to books that inspire us to grow, motivate us to take charge of our lives, and drive us to push our limits, there sure are plenty. Here are 11 of our favorite.
This book helps you to shun your fears and apprehensions, embrace your courage, and act in the face of danger.
Michelle Obama tells her inspiring story that will motivate you to push your limits.
In this masterpiece, Gilbert pays tribute to healing in the wake of adversity. The result is reinvention, spirituality, and a rekindling self-love.
Just what it sounds like, Murakami takes you through his journey to become a great runner, and in the process, inspires you to find your big pursuit.
Hancock was given some advice to do one thing a day that scared her. She took it. The result is pushed limits, exhilarating tales, and inspiration.
Sophia Amoruso is the Founder and CEO of NastyGal. This book is her story of how she pushed her own boundaries and became the woman she always was meant to be.
Yes, this is our SECOND book on running on this list, but don’t let that stop you. You don’t have to be a runner for this book to inspire you and teach you that you have the ability to be more than what you are.
Casey takes a different approach to “taking leaps.” In her book, she’ll encourage you to find your passion and leap into happiness… but not in a way that leaves you exhausted.
This quick read is a parable that will motivate you to achieve whatever you want.
Schwartz outlines how to think big as the most useful way to push your limits and reach your goals.
Glazer invites you to break your limits by breaking free from what’s holding you down through his four principles for overcoming your self-limiting beliefs, establishing positive habits, and finding your “why.”
What are yours? Leave us which book(s) pushed you in the comments below!
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Work is that thing most of us spend more time doing than anything else, and yet, we often shrug it off as if it doesn’t impact our life satisfaction or as if what we’ve signed up for is “good enough.”
What really drives our satisfaction at work, and as a result, impact the other facets of our lives as well? It breaks down into a few categories.
First and foremost, the work itself drives your motivation and satisfaction. According to the job characteristics model (Hackman & Oldham, 1976), there are five characteristics of work that do this. These are:
It’s clear from the research that enriching these job characteristics are associated with more positive levels of job satisfaction, which likely results in more positive levels of life satisfaction.
A strong determinant of your job satisfaction and well-being at work is your social support.
Social support at work refers to instrumental (e.g., receiving help with work tasks) and emotional (e.g., having someone to talk with about personal or professional problems). It’s the support you receive from others and your organization, as well as the fairness and respect with which you perceive you are treated, and qualities of leadership in your organization.
As we saw with the five job characteristics, social support at work isn’t just a predictor of job satisfaction, but also your life satisfaction (Viswesvaran, Sanchez, & Fisher, 1999).
How you interact with your boss in particular makes a big difference (Judge, Piccolo, & Ilies, 2004; Montano, Reeske, Franke, & Huffmeier, 2017).
When it comes to the role of fairness at work being a predictor of your job satisfaction, there are three dimensions which all have been found to be strong correlates: (Cohen-Charash & Spector, 2001; Colquitt, Conlon, Wesson, Porter, & Ng, 2001).
Finally, the organization overall plays a role as well. Human resources practices that are relevant for employee well-being include:
Other research has focused on organizational or group climate, which refers to shared perceptions of the organization’s policies, practices, and priorities (Schneider, Ehrhart, & Macey, 2013).
These perceptions can emerge as a function of HR practices, shared experiences, leader behavior, and interactions among workers (Gonzalez-Roma, Peiro, & Tordera, 2002; Rogg, Schmidt, Shull, & Schmitt, 2001; Zohar, 2000).
So how can you get satisfaction out of your work? You don’t necessarily have to be in this utopian scenario where you’re delivering your life’s greatest passion or expressing some overt heroism on a daily basis like working for Green Peace or something.
It can boil down to getting a simple set of mechanics right, like:
Feeling like you have meaning in your life is so deeply entangled with your well-being. Every which way it’s been measured – and the ways are many – a positive correlation is found.
Having a higher sense of meaning in your life is associated with higher self-esteem (Ryff, 1989), self-worth (O’Conner & Vallerand, 1998), self-actualization (Phillips, Watkins, & Noll, 1974), a sense of personal control over one’s life (Ryff, 1989), lower levels of perceived stress (Flannery & Flannery, 1990), higher autonomy (Church et al., 2014), positive relationships with others (Church et al., 2014), competence (Church et al., 2014), extraversion (e.g., Pearson & Sheffield, 1974), conscientiousness (e.g., Steger et al., 2008), health (Battersby & Phillips, 2016), longer life (Boyle, Barnes, Buchman, & Bennett, 2009), more effective coping (Debats, Drost, & Hansen, 1995), more experiencing of positive emotions (Chamberlain & Zika, 1988), more experiencing of love, joy, vitality (Steger et al., 2006), more curiosity (Kashdan & Steger, 2007), more hope (Mascaro & Rosen, 2005), more happiness in general (Debats, van der Lubbe, & Wezeman, 1993), general well-being (Reker, 2002), psychological adjustment (O’Conner & Vallerand, 1998), and overall life satisfaction (Ryff, 1989).
Those who feel they have meaning in their life are more likely to say that they not only have survived trauma and tragedy but even have grown psychologically, spiritually, or socially as a result of those experiences (Steger, Frazier, & Zacchanini, 2008).
Not to be outdone, lack of meaning can have negative consequences as well. Negative correlations have been replicated between meaning and well-being, including: negative emotions (Diener, 1984), depression (e.g., Keyes, 2002), anxiety (e.g., Keyes, 2002), stress (e.g., Keyes, 2002), hopelessness (Edwards & Holden, 2001), neuroticism (e.g., DeViva et al., 2016), substance use problems (Nicholson et al., 1994), and suicidality (Henry et al., 2014).
People who get their meaning from self-centered or materialistic sources are less happy and experience less meaning than people who get their meaning from self-transcendent and altruistic sources (Schnell, 2009).
Okay, so we’ve established that meaning is important to happiness in a bunch of ways. But what do we mean by “meaning in life”?
Psychology isn’t concerned with discovering the philosophical meaning OF life. In contrast, psychology cares about whether a person feels that there is meaning IN their life. This is a personal pursuit. Not one that is bestowed upon you, but rather, one you bestow upon yourself.
Viktor Frankl, a very influential psychologist in the category of meaning-driven well-being, argued that there is some kind of meaning out there for each of us, and that our primary job was to discover it and give it life. (Frankl, 1963)
The most common sources of meaning are the relationships we connect with and the types of activities we are engaged in (Steger et al., 2013). Meaning in our lives emerges from the web of connections, interpretations, aspirations, and evaluations that demonstrate three attributes to us (Steger, 2012, p. 177, Martela & Steger, 2016, p.538):
What is this for you? What helps you find comprehension, purpose, and significance in the world? And more importantly, are you living it? Are you true to your meaning? Because now you’re aware of the consequences of if you’re not.
Having and feeling meaning in life is really good for your well-being.
Those who acknowledge and live in accordance with their purpose derive a deep sense of meaning in life via the pursuit and attainment of valued goals (Kashdan & McKnight, 2009). They find greater happiness and self-esteem. They view goal pursuits as challenges instead of threats. They have greater resilience when confronted with emotional difficulties and traumatic events (Bonebright, Clay, & Ankenmann, 2000; Boyle, Barnes, Buchman, & Bennett, 2009; McKnight & Kashdan, 2009b; Ryff, 1989).
How then do various mental conditions impact meaning, and thus well-being?
Depression is characterized by a poverty of meaning and purpose (Beck, 1967). Hope about the future is an important component of meaning (Feldman & Snyder, 2005).
Therefor, enhancing meaning, purpose, and related phenomena should be effective in preventing and treating depression (Hayes, Strosahl, & Wilson, 1999; Zettle, 2007).
Social Anxiety Disorder can get in the way of the pursuit of one's meaning. A coherent sense of purpose and committed effort towards that purpose may act as a powerful antidote for the emotional suffering experienced by people with social anxiety disorder (Kashdan & McKnight, 2013).
Survivors search for meaning in the wake of their trauma, as traumatic events disrupt assumptions about the self and world (Janoff-Bulman, 1989).
For example, adults with a recently deceased parent experience a strengthening of their relationships with others, because they more fully appreciate the transience of meaningful connections with others (Malinak, Hoyt, & Patterson, 1979).
94% of survivors of a sinking cruise ship reportedly “stopped taking life for granted” and 71% noted that they now strive to “live each day to the fullest” (Joseph, Williams, Yule, 1993).
For 30 days, I kept a list of all the things that popped into my head that I wanted to learn about. Some days I wrote down a few, other days none at all. Of course, I looked up the answers to quite a few of them, but I’ll leave that part to you!
Here’s what I wrote down…
Resilience can mean the ability to resist being damaged or deformed by traumas or destructive forces. On the other hand, resilience can also mean readily “bouncing back” or recovering from those traumas or destructive forces.
Resilience and well-being are fundamentally related (Davydov et al., 2010; Windle, 2011), and that relationship is a two way street…
The good news is while you are born with a baseline level of resilience, higher resilience can be developed. How resilient are you? You can take the Connor-Davidson Resilience Scale (CD-RISC, Connor & Davidson, 2003) and find out. This test measures your resilience as a trait, and is widely considered the “gold standard” of resilience measures.
There are three general patterns that reflect resilience: (Bonanno, 2004, 2005; Masten, Best, & Garmezy, 1990).
Resilience is inherently related to the resources that you can draw on to overcome adversity (e.g. Richardson, 2002; Werner, 1995). These resources come in 3 types of factors:
Developing resilience comes about in two ways, “naturally” and intentional practice.
Life History
Whether in your control or not, whether intentional or not, your level of resilience is impacted by your childhood (e.g. Masten, 2001; Masten & Tellegen, 2012; Obradovic et al., 2009). Poverty, disease, or abuse is typically associated with lower levels of resilience later in life (Schibli, Wong, Hedayati, & D’Angiulli, 2017; Windle, 2011).
However, experiences of stress and hardship can, for some people, be an opportunity to learn and grow and become more ready to meet the next challenge. (Crane & Searle, 2016; Duckworth, 2016; Goldstein, 2008; Rutter, 1999).
Resilience-Training Programs
You can also create intentional practices to influence your level of resilience. Resilience-training programs have utilized several different approaches to increasing individual levels of resilience and have shown to be very effective (Yost, 2016).
One of the most famous developmental interventions for children is the Penn Resiliency Program (Gillham, Reivich, Jaycox, & Seligman, 1995). It’s based on CBT. In this program, the goal is to help participants develop cognitive and emotional skills that they can utilize when encountering setbacks.
Methods include:
Psychological capital
PsyCap is argued to be a set of four psychological factors associated with overcoming obstacles that together form a higher-order construct (Luthans et al., 2007; Youssef & Luthans, 2007). Resilience in this model is often simply described as the capacity to adapt in the face of adversity.
The psychological factors are:
Grit
Perseverance in the face of challenges and experiencing passion in the pursuit of long-term goals (Duckworth, Peterson, Matthews, & Kelly, 2007). Despite an apparent relationship between resilience and grit, there’s actually a trivial relationship between the two measures.
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It’s true what they say. Human beings need social bonds not only to thrive, but also to survive. People’s motivation to form and keep social relationships is basic. It’s not a derivative or a byproduct of some other motive or need (Deci & Ryan, 2000). We just need to be social.
And as you’ll see in this article, pulling that off has major implications for our well-being! We’ll cover:
Let’s get started!
Out of all of the aspects of life, healthy social relationships are actually one of the best predictors of happiness (Campbell, Converse, & Rodgers, 1976). Among other things, they’re positively correlated with the experience of meaning in your life (Krause, 2007; Steger, Kashdan, Sullivan, & Lorentz, 2008; Hicks & King, 2009).
You can expand your resources, perspectives, strengths, and skills by including other people within your self-concept (Aron & Aron, 1996). Your goal pursuits are more efficient and effective with a strong tribe. And with a tribe, it becomes easier to fulfill basic psychological needs for belonging, competence, and autonomy (Deci & Ryan, 2000)
By contrast, social isolation is correlated with depression, schizophrenia, personality disorders, and substance abuse. (e.g., Akerlind, Hörnquist, & Hansson, 1987; Helliwell & Putnam, 2004; Neeleman & Power, 1994; Overholser, 1992).
So maybe that’s pretty obvious, right? When you’re with a good friend, you’re happy. Of course! But did you know that good social relationships are also good for your physical health? Let’s dig in.
A lack of strong social ties carries a mortality risk on par with smoking (House, Landis, & Umberson, 1998). Among the socially isolated, disease instances are higher, recovery is longer, and relapse is greater (Steptoe, Owen, Kunz-Ebrecht, & Brydon, 2004; Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2003).
Social isolation is associated with all sorts of higher health risks in the cardiovascular, endocrine, and immune systems (Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2003; Uchino, Cacioppo, and Kiecolt-Glaser, 1996; Wilson et al., 2007).
Wow, so there it is. TONS of reasons to maintain friendships! But not all relationships are created equal. Here are some of the implications of a bad friendship.
When you have quality relationships in your life – ones that are warm, supportive, and trusting – you’ll have higher overall life satisfaction and self-esteem.
When you’re social relationships are hostile, conflictual, insecure, or cold, this is associated with depression, anxiety, and substance abuse (e.g., Davila, Bradbuy, Cohan, & Tochluk, 1997; Holmes, 2002; Whisman, Uebelacker, & Settles, 2010).
Those with poor social connections have a 40% higher mortality rate than those with positive and supportive connections (Holt-Lunstad, Smith, & Layton, 2010).
How could this be? Overall, it has a lot to do with when things go wrong. So let’s spend some time digging into that.
For one, when we’re in social groups, we tend to pay less attention to more minor threats in our environment (Beckes and Coan, 2011). We just sorta go blind to them because we feel safe in our tribe. These things are constant for the socially isolated! Not noticing them lets us turn off that micro-stress in our life, relax, and enjoy.
When negative events indeed do happen to us, having a friend nearby helps. In fact, whether they actually help us or not, just KNOWING that we have friends who can help us actually makes it less painful (Kaul & Lakey, 2003).
When it comes to actually GETTING help from friends, this can be a mixed bag. Obviously if the help meets certain criteria, everyone wins. But it depends on what kind of support they give you and how it makes you feel. It could leave you feeling indebted or incompetent, or be a blow to your self-esteem because it highlights a weakness of yours, for example. Or their help might draw more attention to the problem.
It turns out the best kind of help here is known as “invisible support.” Basically, when you get help from your friend without even knowing that you got it.
What does “good” help look like? For one, when getting and giving help, the most important thing is that the giver is responsive to the receiver’s needs (Maisel & Gable, 2009).
In her book The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown has some criteria to add. Here’s the kind of “help” you should avoid: (Brown, 2010)
That certainly rules a lot out! According to Brown, what’s in then? For someone to just be with us in that moment. Someone who embraces us.
So we now know how relationships are good for us, and what kind of relationships we should seek and maintain, but just how do we do that?
For one, assume a position of gratitude regarding your friendships. Not just generic happiness. Gratitude is different and more specific. Gratitude promotes relationship formation and maintenance by signaling to us which people would make great friends (Algoe, 2012).
How this works is referred to as the “find, remind, bind” model. This is how it works. When you FIND and REMIND yourself of the qualities about the person that you’re grateful for, this makes you want to spend more time with them (BIND).
Next, when good things happen to you, tell a friend who will also be positive about it. This is called “capitalization” and it brings even more joy above and beyond the original positive event! (Gable et al., 2004)
For more guidance on how to find and maintain great friendships, join our program and we’ll provide even more tools for success in this super important domain.
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There is certainly extensive understandings of the broader implications of mental illnesses, but how do they impact your well-being, and what can we learn from these disorders in that regard? In this article, we'll cover three: Depression, Bipolar Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder.
Depressed individuals are insensitive to environmental changes, regardless of whether events are positively or negatively valenced. They shut down. Across contexts, people with depression show emotional inertia or a resistance to change (Bylsma, Morris, & Rottenberg, 2008; Rottenberg & Gotlib, 2004).
Because social acceptance is central to the basic tenets of evolutionary survival and reproduction, it makes sense that depressed adults reported fewer occurrences of positive social interactions but experienced greater well-being benefits when they occurred (Allen & Badcock, 2003; Watson & Andrews, 2002).
Depressed people are characterized by emotional inertia, in which prior emotions are strongly predictive of future emotions to the point of being rigid or frozen in time, irrespective of what is occurring around them (Kuppens et al., 2012).
There’s a bidirectional effect. Positive emotionality (positive affect, extraversion, and behavioral activation) prospectively predicted decreases in depression, and depression predicted subsequent decreases in positive emotionality (Khazanov & Ruscio, 2016).
Many of us may identify with wanting to be alone when we're sad or depressed, but research supports the effect of "getting out there," spending time with people who love us, and seeking out positive experiences will help.
In an effort to prevent the onset of mania, people with bipolar sometimes avoid some of life’s most rewarding, pleasurable experiences. This is the crux of the impact on their well-being. Finding this to be the case, bipolar individuals may want to look into emotion regulation strategies such as mindfulness. These strategies keep people rooted in the present without any attempt at altering ongoing experiences. This may be a more adaptive alternative (Gilbert & Gruber, 2014).
As an aside, with bipolar disorder, individuals are suspected to be more creative than the average population (Johnson et al., 2012). Analyses of highly creative musicians, writers, poets, and politicians identify a meaningful number who likely experienced bipolar disorder at some point in their lives: Ernest Hemingway, Ludwig von Beethoven, Sylvia Plath, Georgia O'Keeffe, Vincent Van Gogh, Robert Schumann, and Winston Churchill, among others (Jamison, 1989; Weisberg, 1994).
People with social anxiety disorder believe their personal characteristics are deficient, flawed, or contrary to perceived social norms. Upon having their personal flaws exposed to others, they worry about being evaluated unfavorably and ultimately rejected (Clark & Wells, 1995; Heimberg, Brozovich, & Rapee, 2010; Moscovitch, 2009).
As an act of self-protection, people with social anxiety disorder try to conceal perceived deficiencies and refrain from expressing intense emotions that might draw unwanted attention (Heimberg et al., 2010; Moscovitch & Huyder, 2011).
People with social anxiety disorder fear being judged both positively and negatively. These fears contribute to positive and negative emotional suppression (Turk, Heimberg, Luterek, Mennin, & Fresco, 2005). And when they suppress these emotions, it has this future impact on positive events and emotions in their life.
It's of course easier said than done that those with social anxiety disorder should learn to embrace their emotions and learn to live with them, not suppress them. But this too could apply to the rest of us as well. If you ever find yourself hiding behind suppressed emotions, ask what your true motive is and what would be best for you. You may just need a safe space to be felt and understood.
We all want to be happy. But in the end, what does that really mean?
When most people think of happiness, we think of the presence of positive feelings, the minimization of negative feelings, and a sense of satisfaction with your life. But as we’ll come to see in this article, happiness is so much more, including engagement in important work, making valuable contributions to society, living in alignment with moral virtues, and more (Ryff, 1989).
The concept of Eudaimonia dates back to Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics in the 4th century BCE, in which he described it as “activity expressing virtue.”
Millennia later, the theory has stood the test of time. The theory laid the groundwork for the mid-20th century theories of Maslow’s self-actualization and May’s daimon. By the end of the 20th century, positive psychology was performing experiments to arrive at a quantifiable and objective measurement of well-being. Still, Aristotle’s theory has survived.
Modern thinkers and those in the field of positive psychology now refer to it as “flourishing.” The modern experts have a number of definitions for it:
Despite the definition of choice, all can agree that eudaimonia remains to be a core pillar of a happy life.
But is eudaimonia all there is to a happy life? In short, no. Enter hedonic well-being.
Hedonic well-being in short is the achieving of pleasure and the avoidance of pain. How does it relate to eudaimonic well-being? They’re close sisters. Eudaimonic and hedonic well-being are strongly related, and even experienced simultaneously (Waterman, 1993). They are both “related but distinct conceptions of well-being” (Keyes et al., 2002, p. 1017).
In short, BOTH are important and a happy life is one that is high in both. They both provide us happiness in their own way. Or more accurately, on their own timeline. Those who perform hedonic activities for just 10 days experience more immediate but fleeting well-being benefits immediately following the activity. When you perform eudaimonic activities, the effect isn’t as immediate, but you’ll experience well-being benefits for months and months (Huta & Ryan, 2010).
So that’s it? We should focus on finding pleasure and being altruistic? Others have come along and further refined and improved on these long-standing theories.
Ryff’s model of psychological well-being includes six central dimensions (Ryff, 1989, 2014; Ryff & Singer, 2006). To highlight the central features of each factor brie!y:
We'll cover each of Ryff's dimensions in turn in 6 of the months of the Bodhi program, including how to master these and incorporate them into your daily life.
A simpler model is that of self-determination theory. It states that there are three basic psychological needs essential for optimal growth and integration and constructive social development. As such, the satisfaction of these three needs fosters eudaimonic well-being (Ryan & Deci, 2000).
Built on top of Self-determination Theory is the model for categorizing eudaimonic living into four central motivational concepts (Ryan et al., 2008):
We'll coverall 7 topics in the Bodhi program, including how to not just learn them, but embody them.
So far, we’ve introduced eudaimonic and hedonic well-being. We’ve talked about how they laid the foundation for modern theories. We’ve run through some of those theories, including Ryff’s Model and Self-determination Theory.
The last topic we’ll cover in detail is meaning in life. This is now considered one of the most important factors for finding lasting happiness in life. First, a definition:
“Lives may be experienced as meaningful when they are felt to have a significance beyond the trivial or momentary, to have purpose, or to have a coherence that transcends chaos” (King, Hicks, Krull, & Del Gaiso, 2006, p. 180).
Purpose, significance, coherence. Let’s dig into those a tad deeper.
In the Bodhi program, we'll apply these across 3 different mantras/months of the program.
Having meaning in your life comes with many benefits, including:
There are two other important elements to eudaimonic well-being that we’ll cover in more detail in another blog post, and of course, we'll cover them in the program:
We hope you’ve learned a thing or two about what modern, objective theories have to say about being happy, and how and where these modern theories legitimize or contradict ancient theories. Certainly your takeaways could include:
We also would take this moment to point out that while science is helping to clarify and measure exactly what makes us happy, these are all still theoretical models. So where one model points to A, B, and C as being important, and another points to B, C, and D, and still another points to A, B, C, D, and E, none of these models are wrong per se. In all likelihood, ALL of the included dimensions are important and have a positive impact on well-being. They're simply different angles from which you can approach well-being.
That's why the Bodhi program has collected all the results of every major study, amassed the superset of theories and dimensions out there, and consolidated them into a single program. That way, you know you're getting a full education as to the current best thinking and are sure to have the best shot at mastering the practice of taking control of your life and making it a great one.
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We provide this unrevised questionnaire for you here as a reference. While we can also mention some statistics about the average score (taken in the initial study, which you can find here), we emphasize that the greatest value in this questionnaire isn't in comparing yourself to others – it's in measuring your own improvement over time.
The possible range of scores are between 0 and 85. The average score is around 55.
This questionnaire contains a series of statements that refer to how you may feel things have been going in your life. Read each statement and decide the extent to which you agree or disagree with it. Try to respond to each statement according to your own feelings about how things are actually going, rather than how you might wish them to be.
Please use the following scale when responding to each statement.
For questions WITHOUT an "(R)": Strongly Disagree 0 1 2 3 4 Strongly Agree
For questions WITH an "(R)": Score these in reverse – Strongly Agree 0 1 2 3 4 Strongly Disagree
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by Carol S. Dweck
Summarized and Reviewed by Tim Delson
According to Carol Dweck, psychologist at Stanford University and author of the book, the mindset that you take on has a huge impact on the trajectory of your life.
There are two mindsets – "fixed" mindset and "growth" mindset.
A fixed mindset individual believes that you're born with certain traits, abilities, intelligence, etc. and that there's not much you – or anyone else – can do about it. As an extension of that, they believe some people are just superior to others. They see a world of judgements and fear. They avoid obstacles and difficulty. When faced with failure, they blame others and make excuses.
Growth mindset people look at the world and see wonder and opportunities to learn and grow. They see challenges and difficulty as opportunities to learn. They practice relentlessly. They don't give up because they take control of the process and they are obsessed with the journey, not the outcome.
Growth mindset people live happier, more fulfilling lives. You have the power to be either one. It's your choice! It's not easy to develop a growth mindset, but you CAN retrain your brain. Reach out to others for support. Talk about our faults and mistakes. Make viable, concrete plans for achieving your goals. Focus first on the areas of your life where you'll get the most value from it.
Adopt a growth mindset and make the impossible possible.
Carol Dweck is a professor of psychology at Stanford University. For her book Mindset, she builds on the work of sociologist Benjamin Barber. In the book, she illustrates how the mindset you take on has a huge impact on the trajectory of your life.
Are you the kind of person who feels like you can't change all that much? That you are the way you are, at least the important parts, and that can't really be changed? Or are you the kind of person who can change substantially? Even the most basic things about you can be rewritten?
If you're the former, you have what Dweck calls a "fixed mindset." If you're the latter, you have a "growth mindset."
Those with a growth mindset are more likely to live a happier, more fulfilling life. But even if you have a fixed mindset, good news – the only person who decides that is YOU. So YOU have the power to change it. Let's dig into the two mindsets a little more and understand how you can start building a better life by utilizing a growth mindset.
We're not born with a fixed mindset. Obviously as babies and then children, we're sponges. Little learning machines.
Somewhere along the way, some of us develop a fixed mindset. Kids can start showing signs of this as early as 4 years old. They may start evaluating themselves against some arbitrary "norm." Parents play a huge role in determining whether their child develops a fixed mindset. Instead of encouraging them to continue learning, a fixed mindset parent is always judging their children, telling them what is right or wrong, good or bad.
Teachers also play an important role. Fixed mindset teachers may believe thier students are either "good" or "bad" and that their performance is unchangeable, instead of believing that their students are capable of learning anything.
Children who are developing a fixed mindset may come to "realize" that some kids are "more intelligent" than others. Some "more athletic" than others.
And if they're on the path toward a fixed mindset, these insights are problematic, as they exacerbate this mindset's development.
When fixed mindset people grow up, they believe that some people are superior to others. They think talent is king. That one's abilities and intelligence are set in stone. If they happen to be particularly talented or intelligent, they can be crippled of their abilities to grow because they don't feel they need to. When fixed mindset people are confronted with failure, they make excuses and place the blame on others. They tend to avoid difficulties.
If this fixed mindset person happens to be in a leadership position (Dweck uses Lee Iacocca as her example here), behaviors might include belittling their direct reports and scaring everyone around them until their subordinates agree with the boss simply to avoid being yelled at.
Where fixed mindset children see a world of judgements and fear, growth mindset people see a world of wonder and things to learn. They relish in any opportunity to learn and see challenges as opportunities for learning as opposed to insurmountable obstacles. They practice relentlessly. In sports, they play knowing they are serving the team. When they run a business, they show respect to their employees and are grateful for thier work.
Dweck uses several examples, including the painter Cezanne and basketball player Michael Jordan, to illustrate that even the most talented poeple in the world start somewhere. They leverage their growth mindset to work hard at getting better. That this is the behavior pattern of all of successful people in the world. They don't give up because they take control of the process and they love the journey, not the outcome.
Anyone can adopt a growth mindset. No one has to be a victim of his or her surroundings. The brain can be trained. How? Reach out to others for support. Talk about your faults and mistakes. Make viable, concrete plans for achieving your goals.
It won't be easy. Fixed mindsets become emotional crutches. But find solace in that you needn't get rid of your fixed mindset completely. Start by focusing on certain circumstances – the areas of your life where you need this mindset the most/where you'll get the most value from it.
So let's say you've now adopted a growth mindset, but you've still got to work with people who have a fixed mindset. How do you do this?
Dweck offers the example of John Wooden, a very celebrated coach of the UCLA basketball team. He didn't push his players to win. He treated every practice and every game as a learning opportunity. If he didn't think his players were putting in a full effort to learn, he turned the lights off and went home.
That may work for a college basketball coach. But what about for the rest of us? Start by asking the person: What are you learning? Don't focus on their success or failure, but on what they're learning. Make it clear this is the only path to success.
Our mindset shapes our beliefs in accomplishing something. Adopt a growth mindset and make the impossible possible.
Dweck was very thorough in her book, for better or worse. She provides MANY examples in each chapter, perhaps because she's been involved and conducted MANY studies on this topic. She is afterall the preeminent, undisputed expert on mindset.
First and foremost, we recommend this book simply because of its importance in the field. Beyond that, we recommend it because it stuck with us.
Do you know how sometimes when you read a book, you start to see the application of that book in the real world over and over again? You know when that happens, it's an important book with practical application. That happened to us after we read Mindset. "Oh, there's a great example of fixed mindset right there..." "She's clearly exhibiting a growth mindset..."
The main concept is simple, concise, and laid out in a way that's easy to understand. There are examples of others who exude a fixed or growth mindset.
That being said, how to get there is not crystal clear. Most of the book is spent exploring the nature of the archetype of the "fixed mindset" vs. "growth mindset" individual and providing examples, but little time is spent on what actionable steps can you take to become more growth-minded.
People have a "fixed" mindset or a "growth" mindset. | |||
Fixed mindset people think you're born with certain intelligence and abilities and that's that. | |||
Growth mindset people know that they can constantly learn, grow, and get better with study and practice. | |||
It's within our ability to change this about ourselves, and maybe even about others. |
“Becoming is better than being” | |||
“We like to think of our champions and idols as superheroes who were born different from us. We don’t like to think of them as relatively ordinary people who made themselves extraordinary.” | |||
“No matter what your ability is, effort is what ignites that ability and turns it into accomplishment.” | |||
“It’s not always the people who start out the smartest who end up the smartest.” | |||
“I derive just as much happiness from the process as from the results.” |
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When we started Bodhi Band, I felt all of those things. Any time customers weren’t signing up or canceled their membership, it was hard to not think, “Is this because the program isn’t good enough? Is it because nobody wants this? Is this never going to work?”
My cofounders and I toiled for years, attacking each of those problems. And if we had let pessimism set in, we wouldn’t have made it. The key was to remain an impartial observer. It wasn’t our fault if it wasn’t working, it just meant we needed a different approach. It wasn’t permanent if it wasn’t working, it just meant we needed to keep trying. And one failure didn’t mean the whole thing won’t work, it just meant we needed to fix that one area.
Those pitfalls are very common. In fact, they’re what Dr. Martin Seligman calls the two “explanatory styles” of the optimism/pessimism spectrum, which he outlines as having three dimensions:
How do you fare on the above three dimensions? Do you find yourself on the pessimistic side of one or all of them? The good news is you can train yourself to be optimistic. It’s free and it’s probably the single best thing you can do for yourself in your life.
Next time you catch yourself battling with adversity, pay attention to how you assess the three dimensions and where you fall on the spectrum of explanatory style. Where you’re not happy with the answer, ask yourself, “Why do I feel that way? Is this belief helping me or hurting me? Is there evidence that’s causing me to form that belief? Or am I just being negative? What else could be causing this to happen to me? What’s the more positive way to look at this?”
I'm confident that with a little bit of practice, you'll get there. Before long, exercising the right explanatory style will be second nature to you.
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We’re here to tell you your life has purpose.
We’re here to tell you if you haven’t found it yet, you will.
We’re here to tell you that when you find it, you’ll know.
We’re here to tell you that when you do, everything else will fall into place.
We’re here to tell you you’ll be able to make sense out of all of your actions.
We’re here to tell you that the actions that won’t resonate with your purpose will fall off.
We’re here to tell you those challenges that were once hard, won’t be.
We’re here to tell you those challenges that no longer apply, you’ll step aside.
We’re here to tell you where you once endured, you’ll thrive.
We’re here to tell you where you once meandered, you’ll wander.
We’re here to tell you where you once questioned, you’ll decide and thrive.
We’re here to tell you’ll use your unique gifts and talents.
We’re here to tell you’ll experience the deeper meaning of life.
We’re here to tell you’ll create a life that matters in your eyes.
We’re here to tell you’ll unlock your full power and potential.
Today could be the day that you find your purpose.
Godspeed,
The Bodhi Band Team
]]>by Charles Duhigg
Summarized and Reviewed by Chris Wilcock
In The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, the author Charles Duhigg explores the source of habits, their importance in our lives, the pitfalls of their existence, and some guidance on how to change them when desired.
Habits are deeply embedded in our brain and based on a basic cue-routine-reward loop designed to save the brain unneccessary effort to complete repetitive tasks. Breaking them is difficult, and establishing them can be rewarding when the outcome is positive.
By better understanding their source and impact, one can better design strategies to leverage them for good both personally and professionally, as well as identify their perils and preemptively address them.
Key idea 1: Habits are simple cue-routine-reward loops that save effort.
Habits have evolved over time to allow the brain to save energy and perform common tasks efficiently. They are stored deep in the brain and are incredibly resilient, even to injuries affecting certain parts of the brain, making both good and bad habits easy to follow. Through a process of turning a sequence of actions into an automatic routine, known as “chunking,” your body begins to create a loop based on 3 components:
Pepsodent toothpaste is an early example of a practical application of habit building based on this loop. Upon first learning a habit, brain activity spikes, but over time the brain activity tends to dwindle while performing the habit.
Key idea 2: Habits stick because they create craving.
The effectiveness of habits are (in large part) based on rewards given and the anticipation of the reward when the brain is triggered by the cue. Studies have shown that even the anticipation of a reward based on a trigger results in increased brain activity similar to the activity experienced when actually receiving the reward. On the flip side, a negative feeling typically follows when the reward is diluted or withheld. These reactions can apply to both positive and negative habits (exercising vs. eating a cookie).
Key idea 3: To change a habit, substitute the routine for another and believe in the change.
Through a variety of studies on cigarette smoking and alcoholism, substituting a behavior as an alternative reward to those behaviors increases the likelihood of breaking a habit. Unfortunately substitution is not a sure-fire way in and of itself to kick a habit. Often people will revert to a habit during times of stress no matter how long a person has refrained from the habit, making relapse a very real risk. Another technique can be belief/spirituality which helps participants believe in the possibility of change for themselves and makes them more resilient during stressful times.
Key idea 4: Change can be achieved by focusing on keystone habits and achieving small wins.
Some habits (keystone habits) are more important than others in that they can have positive spillover effects on other areas. After taking over as CEO of Alcoa in 1987, Paul O'Neill instilled a focus on worker safety. Despite initial skepticism from investors, the approach paid off, resulting in a highly efficient and profitable operation. This concept is also seen in medicine where a single area of focus (such as keeping a food journal) can lead to a cascade of change, all starting with a small win which helped you believe that improvement is possible and easy to achieve.
Key idea 5: Willpower is the most important keystone habit.
Through numerous studies, including a famous 1960s Stanford study of children to test their willpower to resist eating marshmallows, willpower has been shown to be a keystone habit that spilled over into other areas of life and was related to success in those areas. The thing to remember about willpower is that it behaves like a muscle: it can be trained to improve and it tires in instances of tedious work. You can also develop techniques to improve willpower during times of stress just as Starbucks did when training its employees in the LATTE method: Listen to the customer, Acknowledge their complaint, Take action, Thank the customer, and, lastly, Explain why the issue occurred. Other studies have shown that a lack of autonomy also adversely affects willpower. If people do something because they are ordered to rather than by choice, their willpower muscle will get tired much quicker.
Key idea 6: Organizational habits can be dangerous, but a crisis can change them.
Habits can be often be beneficial, but can on occasion be destructive. As a result of an overly-hierarchical organizational culture and siloed management that was over-protective of their responsibilities, a fire in a London underground station quickly escalated into a tragic event that claimed the lives of 31 people. A culture that discouraged change and taking personal responsibility even for problems outside your specific role created an environment where nobody knew how to respond or people were generally apathetic to the issue. In the end, tragedies such as this can be an agent of change and bring problems to light that need to be addressed.
Key idea 7: Companies take advantage of habits in their marketing.
Many of our subconscious habits have been identified and leveraged by companies to improve sales. With data analytics becoming increasingly sophisticated, companies are now able to identify your purchasing patterns (such as buying less healthy foods after your fruits & veggies), foot traffic tendencies (like turning right when entering a store) and how to place products to increase sales. Companies like Target pioneered this approach, even getting to the level of advertising maternity-related products before a baby is even born! To avoid the feeling of being spied on, companies have developed less intrusive methods to target their marketing.
Key idea 8: Movements are born from strong ties, peer pressure and new habits.
Through a combination of strong personal one-to-one relationships and a wider circle of acquaintances, a triggering event can leverage these ties to spread the word to others and create peer pressure to help turn the individual occurrence into a movement. Rosa Parks is a perfect example. She was an active community member with many relationships, both African American and white. It was these relationships that led to her being bailed out of jail and creating the spark for the bus boycott that lasted over a year. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech helped solidify the work that the local community had done into a movement for peace that was self-sustaining.
Key idea 9: We bear the responsibility for changing our habits.
Identifying we have a habit is a fundamental responsibility we have. In order to change a habit, you must first identify you have it and take steps to change it in the case where it's something bad. The author gives two examples, one where a man unknowingly strangled his wife during a night terror, and the other a casino patron with a gambling problem that was sued by a casino company to repay her debts. The first person was acquitted and the second lost her case. The knowledge of a habit played a large part in determining the difference in outcome.
Final Summary
Following habits is not only a key part of our lives but also a key part of organizations and companies. All habits comprise a cue-routine-reward loop, and the easiest way to change this is to substitute something else for the routine while keeping the cue and reward the same. Achieving lasting change in life is difficult, but it can be done by focusing on important keystone habits such as willpower.
Actionable advice: Make your bed every morning.
Not all habits are equal but some are more powerful than others. One such keystone habit that you can easily adopt is to start each day by making your bed. Research has shown that this can both increase your general well-being and boost your overall productivity.
Lots of stories makes it an easy read. Some of the stories could be told more succinctly.
It's a core pillar of the program. We're all about changing habits through gradual improvement, the cue of putting on the band, etc.
Many of the lessons center around small wins, willpower, leaning on a community for support, substitution to kick bad habits. We've already incorporated some into the program:
Habits are simple cue-routine-reward loops that save effort. | |||
Habits stick because they create craving. | |||
To change a habit, substitute the routine for another and believe in the change. | |||
Change can be achieved by focusing on keystone habits and achieving small wins. | |||
Willpower is the most important keystone habit. | |||
Organizational habits can be dangerous, but a crisis can change them. | |||
Companies take advantage of habits in their marketing. | |||
Movements are born from strong ties, peer pressure and new habits. | |||
We bear the responsibility for changing our habits. |
“Change might not be fast and it isn't always easy. But with time and effort, almost any habit can be reshaped.” | |||
“The Golden Rule of Habit Change: You can't extinguish a bad habit, you can only change it.” | |||
“Champions don’t do extraordinary things. They do ordinary things, but they do them without thinking, too fast for the other team to react. They follow the habits they’ve learned.” | |||
“This is the real power of habit: the insight that your habits are what you choose them to be.” |
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Are you the type of person who has trouble maintaining friends? Have you lost friends over the years, often for no explicable reason? Well, there are some simple tools you can use in the future to prevent that.
First and foremost, you should be honest with yourself about which friendships deserve maintaining, and to what degree. Maybe one friend is a lifelong close friend, but another is an every-once-in-a-while kind of acquaintance. That's okay! It’s up to you to know the difference, but here are some good indicators to consider for that inner circle:
Know of someone who fits some or all of those? That’s probably someone you want to put in the effort to maintain a close relationship!
Despite most of us finding this kind of close friendship in life, we often can lose it for any number of reasons. Maybe there was some sort of conflict you both couldn’t resolve. They might have moved away, or maybe life just got too busy. Or maybe they just drifted away.
So how do we keep that from happening? Again, that’s gonna be up to you and your good friend. But here are some things you can do.
Last, but not least, enjoy the friendship! This is the best thing you can do! Be present when you’re with them. Don’t forget to let your friendship inspire you, help you through hard times, positively impact you, and bring you joy. Pretty soon, you’ll be excited to nourish and maintain your close friendships, and even go make some more!
Now stop reading this and go call your friend!
With intention and openness,
Your friends at Bodhi Band
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