Bodhi Book Summary: Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

by Pete Landi October 14, 2021

Self-Compassion

by Kristen Neff, Ph.D.

Summarized and Reviewed by Pete Landi

The Brief Summary

Long Summary

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, by Kristen Neff, Ph.D., is a beautifully-written, heartfelt text in which the author shares the best lessons and wisdom gathered from her career studying the field of Self Compassion as a professor of Human Development.

In this book, we learn about the three components of self-compassion: Self-kindness, Common Humanity, & Mindfulness. In order to practice self-compassion, we have to recognize that we are often harder on ourselves than on other people. By approaching our own feelings and perceived failings with kindness, we begin to break that cycle of negativity that holds us back from feeling better.

It's also important that we recognize how common our experiences are; all people suffer from time to time, and all people make mistakes. By acknowledging this commonality, we can embrace the idea that our experiences are normal and that most people relate to our feelings and to our imperfections. And then mindfulness is the piece in which we allow ourselves to be fully conscious of our feelings, both physical and emotional, so that we can approach and work through those feelings with kindness and with a sense of common humanity.

All throughout the book there are dozens of real life anecdotes, both from Dr. Neff's own life and from people in her network, that illustrate the power of self-compassion as a practice. At times these stories can get a bit personal - almost uncomfortably so -- but they do add a tremendous amount of value in terms of their relatability and authenticity.

The real power of this book, though, is in the series of recommended practices that are included as part of every topic. Dr. Neff has provided self-compassion activities that are supported by her own research and other research in the field. As a member of the Bodhi Band community, you will likely uncover a lot of value from those activities.

All in all, this was a solid, well-written book from a pioneer in her field. We recommend this book to anyone interested in making positive change in their life.

Enjoyable to Read: 4 out of 5

Dr. Neff writes in a fluid, approachable way, often intertwining complementary narratives from her own experience and from the lives of those she interacts with. This book is very personal, which can be borderline uncomfortable at times, but which also lends a very strong sense of credibility and authenticity to her writing. I particularly enjoyed the recommended activities sprinkled throughout every chapter. They left me feeling like there were actionable takeaways from her research and from this text, which raised my overall feeling of satisfaction in reading the book.

Reviewer's Overall Rating: 4 out of 5

Overall I rated this book 4 stars based on the strength of the ideas, the beauty of the writing, and the applicability to daily life. For Bodhi Band community members this book touches on a topic in personal growth which is often overlooked, which is the need to treat ourselves with respect, love and compassion as we embark on our personal journeys of growth. It would have been nice to see a little more hard science referenced in the notes, but I suspect that those references will appear over time in future editions as the research into this topic matures.

Actionable Info: 5 out of 5

Give yourself a literal hug when you are feeling self-critical, anxious or insecure. Your brain rewards such behavior the same as if you were getting a hug from someone else.
The practice of "noting" is helpful in developing mindfulness. Relax for 10 to 20 minutes, and then mentally note every time you become aware of a new sensation. This trains your brain to be more aware of what's happening moment to moment, and helps you respond more mindfully versus blindly reacting.
Negative emotions are often accompanied by a physical discomfort in your body. Relax and meditate to find and describe the "source" of the emotion, and then send it feelings of compassion.
Develop a self-compassion mantra that encompasses mindfulness, common humanity & self-kindness. E.g. "This is a moment of suffering; Suffering is part of life; May I be kind to myself in this moment; May I give myself the compassion I need."
Conduct a mindful body scan.
Identify a personal trait for which you use self-criticism as a motivator ("I'm too lazy", etc). Try to think of a kinder, more compassionate way to motivate change related to that trait. How would a trusted, caring love one approach you on this topic? Every time you notice that you're criticizing yourself again for this trait, make a conscious effort to switch to the compassionate approach.
If you find yourself procrastinating, take time to acknowledge the emotions underlying your lack of action. Hold them in a nonjudgemental, mindful awareness, and give yourself comfort for these very real feelings.
Take a "time-in" with your child when they are expressing out-of-control "big" feelings.
Look for the sliver lining in a negative experience from your past, or from something upcoming that you dread. Use the tools of self-compassion (kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness) to help you process through the situation and discover a positive angle.
List 10 things about yourself that you appreciate! If you get a little uncomfortable while doing this, remind yourself that everyone has good features, and that you are perfectly OK in acknowledging your own.
Start a Gratitude journal in which you set aside a small amount of time daily to write about experiences throughout the day for which you had positive emotions.
Savor the moment - choose a food item that you find to be delicious, then allow yourself to fully immerse into savoring the experience of eating or drinking it. Note tastes, smells, textures, appearance, feel....really get lost in the sensations. Then give yourself a moment to be grateful for that experience.

Quality of the Ideas: 4 out of 5

The way to get out of the cycle of toxic self-judgement is to accept ourselves with an open heart, to treat ourselves with the same kindness, caring & compassion we would show to a good friend.
Judging yourself harshly for your habit of judging yourself harshly is a destructive feedback loop. Better to counteract self-criticism by listening to it, understanding, having compassion, and then replacing it with something that's more kind.
Self-compassion is built from three elements: Self-kindness - We treat ourselves with understanding instead of criticism Common Humanity - We recognize that our perceived shortcomings are part of our shared experience with all people. Mindfulness - We take a pragmatic view of pain, neither exaggerating or downplaying it.
Showing warmth and tenderness towards ourselves unlocks the caregiving system in our bodies with the release of oxytocin, resulting in us feeling more safe, calm and happy. In this way, self-kindness gives us a better base of operations, working from a place of comfort and safety instead of one of insecurity.
When we recognize our humanity, we remember that feelings of self-doubt and anxiety are shared by all people. This is different from self-pity, which focuses on oneself only without the comfort of shared human experiences.
Mindfulness means looking at reality head-on and accepting it for what it is, enabling us to respond accordingly, compassionately, and effectively (as opposed to just reacting).
Negative emotions can hold us back from our ambitions. Self-compassion is highly correlated with the ability to move past negative emotions more quickly and constructively.
Suffering = Pain X Resistance Suffering is the byproduct of trying to fight pain. Therefore, learning to accept and live with your pain (physical or mental) is a better path towards reducing suffering than battling the pain directly.
Self-esteem is not a means to an end, it is an end itself. Trying to boost self-esteem doesn't bring success & happiness, rather, hard work and personal achievement come with increased happiness and self-esteem.
Contingent Self-worth is the idea that we only allow ourselves to feel valued when we are succeeding. This is less stable and less healthy than a compassionate self-worth that's tied to self-compassion and understanding.
Self-compassion is a more effective motivator than self-criticism.
Self-compassion makes it easier to admit to ourselves where we have areas that need improvement, and is thus a useful tool for change.
We don't want our lives to be dominated by negative emotions, but we don't want to exclude them 100%, either. A happy life involves a variety of experiences and perceptions, including those generated by different emotions.
Look for the sliver lining in a negative experience from your past, or from something upcoming that you dread. Use the tools of self-compassion (kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness) to help you process through the situation and discover a positive angle.
List 10 things about yourself that you appreciate! If you get a little uncomfortable while doing this, remind yourself that everyone has good features, and that you are perfectly OK in acknowledging your own.

Quotability: 3 out of 5

"As long as we're identifying with subsets of people rather than the entire human race, we're creating divisions that separate us from our fellows." Kristin Neff, Self-compassion (2011)
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are
"Suffering stems from a single source - comparing our reality to our ideals. When reality matches our wants and desires we're happy and satisfied. When reality doesn't match our wants and desires, we suffer." Kristin Neff, Self-compassion (2011)
"In the West we are raised to be knowledgeable, to work hard, and to be productive members of society, but no one teaches us how to deal productively with our own emotions, especially the difficult ones." Kristin Neff, Self-compassion (2011)
"Our successes and failures come and go -- they neither define us nor do they determine our worthiness. They are merely part of the process of being alive." Kristin Neff, Self-compassion (2011)
"Remember that all people fail sometimes; it's part of the human condition. And every failure is an incredibly powerful learning opportunity. Promise yourself that if you do fail, you'll be kind, gentle and understanding with yourself rather than harshly self-critical." Kirstin Neff, Self-compassion, (2011)
"Remember that all people fail sometimes; it's part of the human condition. And every failure is an incredibly powerful learning opportunity. Promise yourself that if you do fail, you'll be kind, gentle and understanding with yourself rather than harshly self-critical." Kirstin Neff, Self-compassion, (2011)